anything but ordinary

love and other indoor sports

2007-09-17T22:46:00.000-04:00

They say you live, love and learn. But what happens when through all the living, you have learned to not love? What then do you do? Do you stop loving? Stop learning? Stop living? They also say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. When it comes to love, what doesn't kill you, doesn't make you stronger, it makes that wall around your heart stronger. And thicker. And tougher.

All my life I have been an avid promoter of living, learning, and risking, because I believed that what didn't kill me, would make me stronger. I also believed that experience is the best teacher; there's no better way to learn than by doing. Of course, these thoughts are applicable to ideas of internships and education, but in the realm of love, my tactics have failed me.

While I still stand my ground and state that experience is the best teacher and the only way to learn how to stand is to fall, I must issue a bold warning with those beliefs. Because every time you fall along the path of learning, you develop a bruise. Although these lessons are painful, they are a necessary part of life. You can't understand the joy of acceptance unless you've felt the pain of rejection. You don't appreciate completion unless you've been incomplete. And you can't experience wholeness, if you've never been broken. Likewise, what is the significance of love, if you've never been unloved?

If every fall created a scar, how many times would we be able to fall, before we are battled and bruised beyond recognition? And how many times can we fall before we learn to stop trying? How many times can my heart be broken, and how many pieces can I give away, before there is nothing left? If every experience produced a lesson, and every lesson a scar, then it wouldn't be long before we are beaten, black and blue. And then what? Then we wait. We wait for the bruises to fade and the scars to fade. And when the evidences of our past begin to disappear, we start all over. We try new experiences, learn new lessons and create new scars. We begin the vicious cycle over and over again, because they have not yet killed us; they've only made us stronger.

So in the end, you'll learn to not only stand, but also walk, run and jump, but beware, this is not without falling, tripping and tumbling first. You'll be battled and beaten, covered by bruises and scars, but because of them, you can say you've truly lived. And so it goes. And remember, scar tissue is tougher than skin. And thicker. And stronger.

don't try this at home... unless you have to.

2007-08-03T19:45:00.000-04:00

This past summer, I had the joy of working in the City (that is, New York City, for you West Coast, Maryland and Philly kids). I also had the equal pleasure of living in an apartment optimally located in midtown. However, a few nights a week, I relinquished the apartment to my cousins, the rightful owners, and spent the night elsewhere. Typically, I spent one night at a friend’s and the other at home. These weekly journeys to the Garden State gave me my first (and hopefully last) look into the life of a commuter. Trust me when I say, it’s not glamorous and it’s not for the faint of heart.

First, the obvious- time. For me (and many others), the commute home is about a one-hour train ride, which doesn’t include transportation to the train station on both sides. This brought my total commute time to about an hour and forty-five minutes each way, or three and a half hours each trip (daily if I were a full-time commuter). Granted, it does create an excellent block of time to spend reading, writing or catching up with friends (should you be so lucky to have a commuting buddy), but wouldn’t it be better to read, write or catch up out in a sunny park or warm coffee shop? However, even I must admit, I typically don’t read unless forced, and well, sitting for an hour in the morning was adequate force; I’ve read more books in the past 2 months than I have in the past 2 years. But how much is this reading time worth? Even with a paltry hourly wage of $10, that’s still $35 worth of time spent sitting on vinyl. And it’s true what they say- time is money.

Which brings me to the next point- money. Public transportation costs, parking fees and the increasing prices of gas contribute to the cost of commuting (besides the “cost” of time spent traveling). Even with monthly passes and unlimited ride cards, the costs still add up. Sure, it’s still less than the average rent for a downtown studio, but over time, it accumulates. Doing some basic math calculations, I summed the costs of a monthly parking permit, monthly train pass, unlimited monthly subway card, and the approximate additional cost of gas and came to a total of about $380 a month spent on transportation. And that’s based on commuting to and from Convent Station, which is a town over from me; to commute to Morristown, the cost would be about $50 a month more, but you’d save about 10 minutes a day in time spent traveling. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather spend that money elsewhere (for example, a new pair of shoes and/or purse).

The next major commuting issue- additional stress. For all those who have been misfortunate enough to be stuck in or around Penn Station, Grand Central, or one of the numerous subway stations during rush hour while not commuting, you probably know how Simba felt while hanging onto the tree in the middle of the wildebeest stampede. Every time I find myself in the morning or evening rush hour (and especially when boarding the train home through those little doors in Penn Station), I understand how cows and sheep must feel when being herded. Go with the flow, keep up with traffic, and don’t you dare slow down, lest the angry banker behind you trample your poor fearful soul. The anxiety I feel when staring at the television, waiting for my track number to be posted is unnecessary, yet present. Likewise, my desire to walk as fast as possible through the throng of people rushing to work increases my adrenaline and heart to an incalculable rate. A daily commute would not only add to my ever-present grey hairs, but also increase my chance of a heart attack or stroke significantly; it is with my heart and health in mind when I insist that I was not made for commuting.

For me, those are the three most significant deal breakers. As much as I enjoy the forced reading time and scenic journey through Jersey, I could not imagine becoming a regular commuter. As a matter of fact, I can picture myself living and working in a small, rural town more than I see myself commuting into a city. Of course, if I did live in the City, I wouldn’t be opposed to the occasional trip home for a good ole home cooked meal or a ride up to Hamptons for a weekend (because, you know, a girl’s got to dream). But should you value your time, money, health and vibrantly-colored hair, don’t commute.

a time for love

2007-07-29T17:55:00.000-04:00

How long does it take to fall in love? Can you put a time limit on it? Probably not; after all, once you put an expiration date on love, arguably the greatest human emotion, then what protects all other feelings and thoughts from the same boundaries and limits? And once we put our emotions in a box, what will make us human? So then, how long must one wait before giving up hope and moving on? How many times must my heart break and how many tears must I cry before throwing in the towel and moving on? If not now, then when?

Whenever people ask if I have a crush on a boy, I always have a very difficult time answering the question. My response is always No, but in truth, I'm never confident of that answer. What is a crush, after all? It's someone you like, but what defines "liking" a person? Is it just a person whose presence I thoroughly enjoy? Because then in that case, I have a lot of crushes. Or, is it someone I'm attracted to? Because in that case, I have a crush on the guy who's sitting two tables away from me right now. Of if it's someone who I would like to spend more time with, and get to know better, then once again, that leaves a number of people on my list. Because, you see, there are a myriad of boys/men/guys whose presence I enjoy and want to get to know better. But it's most likely because I'm facinated with the way people act and think and I'm slightly an extrovert and like being around other people (most of the time at least).

So if there's no no time limit on love and no clear definition of like, then how am I supposed to plan life? It's impossible to schedule things like meeting people and falling in love, but sometimes it'd be nice to have some sort of general guideline for the journey. I'm not the type of person who blindly drives, hoping for a gas station in the next 30 miles or cluelessly mixes ingredients with a clue. But I am the type of person who looks around and tries to figure things out. And I'm trying, but it's not easy. Everytime I think I'm closer to finding the truth, closer to understanding why, I find myself with just more questions and few answers. Without putting love in a box, it's impossible to contain and examine it. You can't understand the finer threads of its being, or the reason for existing without examining it under a microscope. And if you can't contain it, then you can't examine it.

So on the subject of like and love, I'm completely lost. And it's slightly ironic because with all my experiences, one would think I have a little more direction. But in truth, all my stories and times with the male species have left me only more lost and confused than before. I cannot (and probably never will) understand the way they think, act and function. And you know, maybe that's for the better. Because in the end, everyone needs a few secrets.

guess who's back

2007-07-24T21:39:00.001-04:00

It's been exactly one month since I last posted. That is just way too long. A lot has happened since then, and since I cannot recap everything that has happened... I won't even begin to try. You can check out my Xanga, which is more frequently updated. I did feel like I owed this blog an update, especially with all the craziness that has gone on today. I can no longer procrastinate presenting my views on the subject.

I still like Britney, Paris, and Lindsay.

That's right, I'll say it, and I'll defend it. Do I agree with their actions? No. Do I think they made mistakes and acted stupidly? Yes. But will I continue to sympathize and follow their stories? Absolutely. And let me explain why.

Because, in the end, they are just people, trying to live their lives. And I'm sure I've discussed this before, but these girls, and many others, are simply growing up, and going through phases like you and me. The only difference- they have millions to spend and every mistake they make gets not only splashed across gossip and magazine pages, but also headlined in sources like CNN and The New York Times. Now THAT'S publicity. I completely understand where these girls (women?) are coming from, and yes, I feel for them. It can't be easy having to go through every struggle and problem in the public eye. I can think of a million mistakes I've made and I'm glad that they're not put out there for everyone to know and pry about.

But that's the price they must pay. I'm sure it's nice to be able to buy a new Chanel purse every month and go to the hottest clubs and party until 4am, but all of this comes with a responsibility. After becoming famous, whether by individual accomplishments or family ties, one must realize that you will be viewed by the public, and you have a responsibility to properly represent yourself and your family. I understand they are growing up, and just want to have fun like "normal" people, but I don't make excuses for their actions.

Do I think Kevin deserves full custody of the kids? Maybe. I honestly don't think either of them can single-handedly take care of the two boys and I do feel bad for them, because no matter what, they're going to have one diffcult puberty. I think Britney does need to get herself together and start taking her responsibilities as a mother seriously.
Do I believe Paris has truly changed for the good? Possibly. I think she's earnestly trying. And although I'll never really know the truth about what happened in the jail, I can only hope that she learned her lesson and has matured. Whether she's truly reformed for just a really good actress for the positive publicity, I can only hope that something good comes out of it. And by something good, I mean for the greater community, not her image.
Do I think Lindsay is a wreck and needs to get her act together? Totally. I think she's dealing with desires and issues that are common for people our age (she's a few months younger than me), but I think she needs to find a healthier way to figure out her life, and she really does need more help than she's getting. I almost feel bad for her, because, and I don't know the full story obviously, but it is clear that she is not in a healthy environment that is conducive to her reformation. If she really, truly wants to change, I earnestly think she needs to get away from California and go to Kansas or someplace remote, away from everyone, take a year or so off and really figure out what she wants and what she's doing. Less drastically, she needs to surround herself with positive people and look deep within her soul. It may sound cliche, but it's totally true- I live and believe it. And you know, maybe after all her soul searching, she'll realize that she wants to continue down this destructive path. As long as she comes to that conclusion on her own, without the pressure of society and those around her, and as long as she can accept the consequences of a troubled future, jailtime, and harm to herself, then I say as long as she's not on the same road as me, then good luck to her.

In the end, this is what I say. Give them some time. Give them support. If they want help, offer it. In the end, they have to make their own decisions; it's their life, and they can choose how to live it. Christina went through her phase, and she's honestly matured and grown. Courtney Love went through a dark period, but look at her now. She's slowly coming back. It takes time and it's not easy. But they've got to try.

Part Two: It Must Be Good

2007-06-24T17:05:00.000-04:00

On my way into the office today, walking East on 60th, I noticed an unusually long line of people lining the sidewalk. I tried to play the whole “I’m too cool” thing, and quickly walked past the line (or followed alongside) until I saw the end, outside the Anya Hindmarch store, located next to the entrance of 655. Still perplexed, all my questions were answered in the elevator; the line was indeed for the store, because the famous “I’m not a plastic bag” bags were being sold today, and only 1,000 bags will be available in New York (between two stores, the other in SoHo, I assume). Apparently, this bag was all the craze in Europe when it first came out, and has been seen on the arms of the rich and famous like Keira Knightley and Reese Witherspoon. The bags follow the trend of eco-friendly green things; they are meant to substitute plastic bags in grocery stores and the like. Of course, there is much controversy over these bags, as they are not made from organic material, and then there’s always the question of how closely should fashion trends and an environmental cause be linked?

Either way, it’s a fashion frenzy downstairs, with the line now snaking around the corner. And I’m not going to lie, after hearing about the popularity of it, and seeing the line and everyone waiting for literally hours for the $15 bag (extremely affordable, especially compared to the rest of her collection), I really want one. It’s part of that ‘if the line is long…’ sort of thing. My co-worker and I snuck downstairs an hour after the store opened to see the status of the line. I seriously contemplated trying to bribe someone to purchase a bag for me (there’s a limit of two per person), but I didn’t want to appear so desperate to fit in. I can only assume the line will proceed to get longer, but I also presume not everyone waiting in line will be able to purchase one. With a limit of two bags, and only 500 available, that’s about 250 people who will be walking away happy, and I’m certain the line was more than 250 long. The irony of it all- I’m not even that into the environment and being eco-friendly. I will most likely continue using plastic bags wherever I go; I just want the bag because well, everyone wants it. Perhaps I’ll just have to buy one on ebay, where they are supposedly going for $600. Or, I can wait until they’re not as cool and buy one from Whole Foods (starting July 18th). I hope the line is still long then.

part one: day 12

2007-06-21T20:11:00.000-04:00

Following is a sneak preview of my future book (the name is still in the works). I appreciate all feedback (constructive only please). Enjoy!

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As usual, I arrived at the office a little before 9. Besides my bright pink overnight tote and match-nothing black carryall, today I also lugged in a brown paper bag filled with a steaming hot cup of coffee and raisin muffin, courtesy of the man selling breakfast on the corner. This morning was my first time risking coffee purchased from a street vendor, but I figured it couldn’t be worse than the available “coffee” in our kitchenette. The muffin, surprisingly, wasn’t bad; it was cooked throughout (more than those Statler muffins I used to love so much), and not dry. And the coffee wasn’t horrible either. It was piping hot, which was a nice treat (despite the 80degree weather outside), and it had enough flavor to taste better than an ash-filled cup of instant black water. Plus, it gave me that little kick of caffeine I urgently needed this morning.

Okay, “urgently needed” is an exaggeration. After dropping my load at my desk, I hung up my jacket, turned on the computer and went to fill my Nalgene. I leisurely filled the bottle, returned to my desk, happily opened the one new e-mail, then proceeded to check my various other e-mail addresses, people.com, cnn.com, perezhilton.com, and well, you get the picture. My boss was in a meeting all morning (so I’ve been told), so I took the time to scan the articles I wrote a few days ago, and then proceeded to research Restaurant Week options. After sending out numerous overly-official sounding e-mails, I continued with my desk-work of arranging our sublet agreement. This past weekend (namely, Saturday), was filled with headaches about this situation, but it’s finally be resolved. I obtained all the requisite information and signatures, sent out the necessary paperwork, made a few phone calls, and hopefully tomorrow our five lovely freshmen/sophomore/fraternity boy subtenants will move-in and enjoy our apartment without destroying its beauty.

The highlight of the work day was the meeting I attended with my boss, some other uppers and a representative from BuzzMetrics. Thanks to my $1 coffee this morning, I was thankfully able to stay awake and attentive during the whole thing. It was actually a very interesting and enlightening presentation/discussion. Unfortunately, I am not allowed to disclose the actual contents and specifics of the meeting, but it wasn’t anything you non-geeks would be interested in anyways. What I can share, however, is what I learned. BuzzMetrics is part of the Nielson family that tracks ‘buzz’ and various other measurements through consumer-generated media (CGM). CGM is becoming extremely prominent in today’s world, and it is now becoming more important than ever to have an ear out there to see what people are saying, and what we can do to guide the direction of conversations in cyber-world. I never knew companies existed out there that did this sort of thing, but it makes sense and was eye-opening to hear about. It also made an hour and half of my day go by a lot faster.
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new york state of mind

2007-06-10T14:55:00.001-04:00

I <3 NY.
I need to admit something. I want to be Carrie Bradshaw. I mean, what woman doesn't? she has a fabulous apartment, three amazing friends, a closet full of outrageous, if not stylish, clothes and shoes. not to mention the constant flow of pursuing men and exciting drama. she spends her days eating and walking with friends, shopping, and occassionally "working" aka. writing in her apartment while barely dressed. her evenings/weekends are filled with fun adventures like attending book signings, club openings, and dining out with a variety of characters. she's never seemed to worry about how she's going to pay the month's rent, or her new pairs of manolos. and despite all the broken hearts and tears, she's still confident, gorgeous, and funny. she has a magnetic personality that makes you want to sit down, have a cosmo, and share all the stupid drama that's going on. yes, i dream of living a fictional life.

sometimes i think it's unhealthy for me to watch shows like sex and the city and read books like everyone worth knowing and the devil wears prada. they give me a glimpse into a life i will never live and a lifestyle i will never have. let's face it, i'm never going to go to the hot new clubs, or get cozy with celebrities. i'll never have my picture on the side of a bus or page six. i'm destined to a normal, everyday, wallflower, doomed for mediocrity. at least it's comforting to know i'm not alone. an overwhelming majority of the world is in the same boat as me. we can't all be famous, can we? maybe one day i'll accept this truth. but until then, i will walk like i own the sidewalk and pretend that people know me. i'll dress like i have somewhere to go and maybe, just maybe, i'll one day be as confident, kind, and pretty as sarah jessica parker.

closure

2007-05-27T02:51:00.001-04:00

since i have separation anxiety, i attempt to compensate (or protect myself) by not saying goodbye. i guess i figure if i never say goodbye, then it's not final, so there's nothing to be sad about. the downside is, if i never say goodbye, then i never have any closure. i mean, i know that the friendship is over when we haven't spoken in three years and i barely remember the sound of your voice. but there's something about that final goodbye. as sad as it is, there's a sense of completion through both sides agreeing that future contact is unlikely.

at the end of high school, i didn't say goodbye to a lot of my friends. we delayed the farewells to graduation, then to summer, then to next summer, until we lost contact (until that facebook friend request, of course). but now, i don't talk to a majority of my friends from high school. sure, i wonder what they've been up to, and how their lives are going. i try to stalk a little via facebook just to know who's going where and who's doing what. i'm excited to go to my five year reunion and see who ended up making the money, and who's still struggling to graduate college. see, once again, i am filling myself with the false hope of seeing these "friends" again. maybe this summer i'll run in to them at the bars in mo-town. or perhaps randomly one night in the city (it's happened before). no matter how likely or unlikely it seems, i continue living with this tiny beacon of hope that our friendship is not over, and there is always the possibility of reconnecting and starting fresh. last summer i spent some time with a few guys from high school that i never thought i'd talk to again. life's funny like that sometimes.

so as the seniors prepare to officially graduate tomorrow, i'm faced with a dilemia. do i fight back the tears and depression and bid a fond farewell to these friends who have played such a large role in my college experience? or do i gracefully (and quietly) bow out, saying neither "goodbye" nor "later" and letting the friendship fade until it's barely recognizable in the future. of course, then i'll always be wondering...

kin to your last breath

2007-05-24T20:27:00.000-04:00

last night i had this really strange dream involving a friend of mine... i'm not going to list names, because well, it would be quite inappropriate. anyways, so in this dream, something very astonishing happened that i never really thought would. have i been subconciously thinking about this event? and i rarely remember my dreams for very long; i normally can only remember it for a little bit after awaking, and within a few hours, the details become blurry. however, this dream was just so real, that i can't stop playing it through my mind, and i actually have to convince myself that it didn't really happen.
now i'm moderately concerned about the implication of this dream. i know it's just a dream and didn't really happen, and no one knows about it except me, but still. it bothers me that these ideas were deep in my brain, and worse yet, i wish the dream was true (note: it was not a nightmare, it was a dream, a good one). so now, should i act upon this dream, even though it could be based on unfound reasoning, or should i just ignore that it ever happened and trust the memories will soon fade?

to the left.

2007-05-21T01:28:00.000-04:00

so i'm honestly trying very hard to balance all these blogs... it's harder than you may think. why do i need multiple blogs, you ask? well, i don't really know. i'm a little a.d.d. when it comes to things like layout, colors, etc., and i like to play around with different combos and looks and such, so having multiple blogs allows me to experiment and play with different settings. but anyways...

this past semester has been the most difficult emotionally for me. academically, it could arguablyl also be considered the most difficult, but the jury's still out on that one. originally, it was a little difficult transitioning back into cornell and college life here. living in a new apartment with people was an adjustment. it's worked out pretty well. my roommate and i actually get along quite well, and i'm actually going to miss her next year (we're still living together, but next year we'll each get singles...). speaking of next year, i just saw our new apartment for the first time and i'm SO excited. i'll finally have my own room (for the first time in college), and our living room/common room is HUGE. we have a HUGE tv, and THREE, that's right, THREE sofas. my bathroom is also as large as our kitchen. so we either have a small kitchen or a huge bathroom (i vote for the latter).

not only did i have to adjust to living with other people, but i also struggled with adjusting back to the old groove of things. you know, classes, work, exams, that whole thing. it was also a little challenging at first to rekindle some friendships. not seeing people for a whole 5 months can put a lot of strain on a friendship. however, looking back, i'd say that it all worked out well enough, and things typically do. i've learned a lot of lessons this past semester, especially the past few weeks. i was discussing with someone the other day about college, and how it's more than a place and education. to me, college is all about the experience. i could go to arguably a variety of universities/colleges and gain the same education, but it's the friends that are made and the experiences that are had that make all the difference. i can honestly say that i have thoroughly enjoyed my three years so far, and am looking forward to this last year. i plan on seizing the year, and doing everything that i can. i want to get more involved, both on campus and off. i want to volunteer, possibly at the ithaca pregnancy center, actually attend a jfci meeting, and really just reach out to the little froshies. i also plan on trying to get more involved with cbs. crazy, i know. i just don't want to leave cornell feeling like i wasted four years of possible friendships, if that makes any sense.

on a lighter note, blogger now saves my drafts automatically, which is quite exciting, seeing that my computer is slightly tempermental. i also love excel. like seriously, love it.

smile.

2007-05-13T01:23:00.000-04:00

i just need to get this off my chest:
i love cailin mckinney.
she makes me smile and laugh when i have every reason to kill myself. she also doesn't mind that my toes look like they're bleeding or i'm failing a class. she eats froyo with me at midnight instead of studying. cailin makes me happy. like coffee. and sunshine.

miss independent

2007-05-10T00:57:00.000-04:00

in the name of self-preservation, i have decided to blame society for the increasing number of single women. before you call me a bitter, old, cat-lady, let me explain. the way i see it, society and our technologically-focused culture is hindering our ability and willingness to go out and meet new people and start relationships. increasing promotion of women empowerment, while good for equality, is serving to encourage singleness and put women on equal levels as men. don't get me wrong, i think men and women should be treated equally and deserve the same amount of respect, but at the same time, by pushing women to be independent, saying that we are better off without a man by our side, is also causing more women to purposely avoid having a man in order to feel more empowered.

additionally, more and more mainstream female singers are promoting girl power. songs like lindsay's "i decide" or katharine mcphee's "over it" are songs of girl-strength and independence. i will admit, i enjoy listening to these songs (see previous entry), especially after being rejected or dismissed. they are the songs i listen to when i want to feel stronger than i actually am or need to remind myself that i can stand on my own two feet. but that's just it. these are the songs i listen to when i don't what a guy by my side- when i'm sick and tired of boy-drama and want to prove that i can be alone and happy. of course, we all know these phases don't last too long, and i soon find myself lying in bed, singing along to rachel proctor's "didn't i" and nick's "what's left of me." but i digress.

it's not just pop culture that's turning us away from men, it's technology that's making it more and more convenient to be alone. for example, i-pods and various other mp3 players are nearly a necessity to most people. but what do these little music-playing wonders do? they allow, nay, encourage people to be antisocial. in previous ages, someone sitting alone in the park was an invitation to strike up a conversation and make a new friend. now, that person is sitting alone, but the ears are plugged with cute, little, white buds, making any approach seem unwelcomed. i challenge everyone spend a day i-pod free, walking around, sitting alone, and see what happens. even if no one approaches you (i'd argue we've lost the art of talking to strangers), you'd be amazed at the things you notice, see, and hear when you're not all caught up bouncing along to avril's "girlfriend."

of course, the previously mentioned challenge only works if you actually go outdoors to wander around. this brings me to my next society-induced singleness tool: online dating. i know, you're all thinking that online dating is only for loser who can't get anyone on their own via "normal" routes (meaning, bars, clubs, and other such activities). however, online dating is becoming amazingly more and more popular. and those guys who truly can't get action on their own? well, they're on the bachelor. or survivor. but that's besides the point. moving on... so online dating is becoming increasingly popular. think about it: why go through the effort of dressing up and going out with the hope of meeting someone interesting, when you can sit at home in sweats and log-on to match.com. after all, it's less harsh to be rejected online than in person. at least online you can convince yourself the hot, 6-pac, 23-year old from nyc is actually a wrinkly, flabby, 45-year old from south dakota. additionally, you don't have to deal with those lame pick-up lines... just don't poke back.

i could think of a bunch more reasons why society is to blame, but that would take too much time, and i have a final to study for. oh, there's another reason- competition for grades, jobs, and the like is getting tougher and harder, which means we need to be spending more time studying and working, especially if we want to be considered equal to our male counterparts. also there's the rising prices of gas and movie tickets. "traditional" (or high school) dates are now more expensive than ever. why pay $24 for two tickets, when you can rent a dvd for $5? what sort of future implications does this all have on the future of romance?! what will happen to hopeless romantics like myself? are we doomed and destined to be single? okay, that's enough rhetorical questions for now. back to studying the wonderful world of consumer behavior.

move your feet!

2007-05-07T21:16:00.000-04:00

just for fun, a list of my current favorite songs (for an assortment of reasons and in no particular order) :

listen- beyonce knowles
beautiful- moby
te busque- nelly furtado feat. juanes
slow motion- third eye blind
like a boy- ciara
welcome to the black parade- my chemical romance
cupid's chokehold- gym class heroes
ice box- omarion
the sweet escape- gwen stefani
what hurts the most- rascal flatts
upside down- jack johnson
unfaithful- rihanna
the adventure- angels and airwaves
didn't i- rachel proctor
it ends tonight- the all-american rejects
over it- katharine mcphee
girlfriend- avril lavigne

don't blink.

2007-05-04T00:51:00.000-04:00

slope day. one of the most anticipated days of the academic year. it's hard to believe another semester has come and gone, another year done, and one more year closer to being out in the "real world." this past semester has gone by so quickly, yet the beginning felt like so long ago. i remember first moving into my apartment, adjusting to being back at middle-of-nowhere cornell. at least it didn't get really cold until... february. and i just put my boots away today. how momentous. but back to my main point.

a mere four months ago, i was just learning my schedule and getting back into the groove of being in real classes, taking notes, and being responsible. i began new classes: learning about discrimination, torts, contracts, and a plethora of other life lessons in 387, improving my public speaking skills in 365, experimenting and indulging my inner-nerd in 301, understanding the way consumers think in 347, and of course, failing miserably in 321. i reunited with *most* of my hotelies, rekindled freshman year friendships (*ting!*), and even made some new friends! i had the pleasure of being taught by some talented and knowledge professors, while also revisiting some old teachers. as much as i hate paying cornell as much tuition as i do, i must admit that i'm infinitely grateful for the education i have received so far. although i sometimes (or most times), don't think i've really learned much of anything, i know i have. i'm sure if i concentrate really hard, i'd be able to remember how to make a statement of cash flows, what the law of dimishing returns means, the four P's of business writing, what title VII is, maslow's heirarchy of needs, the empirical rule, what causes campylobacter jejuni, the four P's of marketing, and whatever else my $120,000 have bought me (and by my, i mean my parents').

so yes, another semester has gone flying by, but when i think of all that has happened in the past four months, i am at a loss for words. while going through it all, it felt like time crept by... everyday felt so long and summer seemed so far away. but now that i'm here, i look around, and i wonder where the time has gone. if this past year went by so quickly, how much faster will the next? and before you know it, i'll be graduating and moving out.

it has been said that i suffer from separation anxiety. i believe this was mentioned when i was reading an opinion column in the cornell daily sun, and i became saddened at the thought of another senior (one i have never met) leaving my world of cornell and entering a new one. thinking of all those who have come and gone in and out of my life, and i can't help but feel a sense of loss. these people, whether friends, acquaintences, or even enemies, no doubt still impacted and helped shape me into the person i am today. and to think, i may never see them again! how can that not make you sad? well, i suppose life goes on, and the best i can do is keep moving along and enjoy the times as they come. i guess the lesson for me is not to be sad because of the past, but be excited for the future. if i keep living my life through what-ifs, i'll miss out on all the good stuff. the past is past. it's gone. it's time to move along and just keep swimming. have a good day.

lost.

2007-04-19T04:03:00.000-04:00

after graduating high school, i looked forward to college for many reasons. besides the obvious, i also anticipated being able to recreate myself into who i really wanted to be. needless to say, that attempt failed miserably. after beginning freshman year, i easily fell into a cycle and lifestyle different from what i originally imagined and planned. as i progressed through freshman and sophomore year, i constantly battled with the idea of who i was and who i wanted to be. i confused myself trying to figure out the difference between what i want to be, what i actually am, and what i was. the past 20 years of my life have all blended together, so i can no longer tell distinct turning points in my life.

anyways, now that i've been searching deep into my soul, i am left with no questions answered, only more formed. questions like who am i? and how much of who i am is a product of my environment versus a result of me by nature. it comes down to that issue of nature vs. nurture. how much of who i am now is from the way i was raised, and the surrounding environments, as opposed to our DNA, personality, and characteristics that have been a part of my soul since the day i was born? well, we can be sure that i'm not purely a product of my environment; compare me and my brother. we are as different as apples and oranges. however, it would be naive of me to say that my environment didn't affect me at all.

anyways, i don't really know where i'm going with all of this. i think i have serious problems. like mental ones. my search to find my true self has led me nowhere but circle around myself, leading to further confusion. i have a tendency to overanalyze. i've also grown more and more random. and morbid. i find myself thinking about people dying more than i used to. maybe nothing is wrong with me. maybe this is just who i am. slightly psycho. but also slightly entertaining.

okay, so this posting started out with meaning, and i swear i had good intentions for it, but just like my life, it's gotten a little mixed up and confused, so now it's just a jumbled mess. for which, i apologize. my brain is kind of not working properly due to a few reasons. firstly, i am operating on about 4 hours of separated sleep, meaning i didn't receive all four hours in a row. secondly, i keep getting distracted, which messes up my focus and ability to form one cohesive posting. things like CNN, Happy Tree Friends, and dictionary.com have prevented me from devoting my full energy to this posting. and lastly, my brain is going on strike. i decided to possibly apply to the cornell daily sun's opinion section in hopes of having the opportunity to write a bi-monthly column. in order to apply, i have to submit two articles between 800-900 words. needless to say, i have been devoting all my spare brain cells (which there are not a lot of to begin with) to these two articles. hopefully it'll pay off. in which case, i'll need to start making my life a little more exciting so i have more to write about. please people, help make my life exciting. otherwise you'll see another posting soon about the differences between affect and effect and nave and knave. don't say i didn't warn you.

347

2007-04-11T00:12:00.000-04:00

"If we want to change ourselves in some important way, it's best not to wait for insight or inspiration. Sometimes we need to act- to begin writing that paper, to make those phone calls, to see that person- even if we don't feel like acting. To strengthen our convictions, it helps to enact them. In this way, faith and love are alike: If we keep them to ourselves, they shrivel. If we enact and express them, they grow."

"It is not as difficult to find a person who has never succumbed to a given temptation as to find a person who has succumbed only once"

"Many socializers have occupations such as public relations specialists, talk show hosts, trial attorneys, social directors on cruise ships, hotel personnel, and other glamorous, high-profile careers."

"How can we know the unknowable, fathom the unfathomable, or calculate the incalculable?"

"Ignoring luck, overlooking happenstance, and pretending fortune doesn't matter is not in our own best interest. It's time to abandon our aspirations to omniscience and accept that accident is unavoidable. It's time to sing the praises of serendipity and light a candle for luck"

14

2007-04-09T00:43:00.000-04:00

growing up in a Christian family and going to church every friday and sunday, i heard about how important tithing is, and how you can't worship both God and money. of course, at the tender age of 12, money to me was the 25cents i got each week for helping with the dishes. as i grew, so did my money. so now, my parents only pay for the basics: food, shelter, and education. of course, i'm not complaining, because my parents have raised me to be financially responsible and i've always had enough spending money to support my purse and random junk addiction. so now that i'm in college and making my own decisions, i am also making more decisions about how to spend my money, and my time (because after all, time is money). and it wasn't until today that i realized just how easy it is to worship money, but how impossible it is to worship money and God.

as we all know, today was Easter sunday. arguably one of the most important days in the Christian faith. i know people who only go to church twice a year- Christmas and Easter. however, we also all know, Easter Brunch is one of the most traditional meals of the year. next to Thanksgiving dinner of course. so naturally, working at a restaurant, Easter Brunch is a pretty big deal to us. and, being the money-hungry little girl i am, i willingly volunteered to work Easter morning. oh, i also work sunday nights, so yes, i worked what we call a double-shift. aka 14 hours straight. and oh what a splendid 14 hours they were. my day went from cute little girls in fluffy dresses to old men in bathrobes watching espn. for the past week, when i first found out i would be working Easter morning, i had this little nagging in the back of my mind. the nagging then became audible through the voice of my dearest roommate. i knew i was chosing money over God, because as much as i love taverna banfi, the only reason i volunteered to work was for the money. so i took what is the most important Christian holiday, and turned it into an opportunity for profit for me. how selfish and worldly of me. and i knew God didn't approve. obviously. and, you can call me crazy or whatever, but i know me getting sick was God trying to get me to change my ways, and not go to work. but i did anyways. so then i got a bloody nose (gross, right?) and i saw this as sign two. of course, the bloodynose came at around hour 11, so it was too late by then. but as i sat in the bathroom, staring at the bloody monstrosity in the mirror, i promised God i would try to change.

the first 20 years of my life, i was fine without "making bank" and pulling doubles. i don't need hundreds of dollars in tips to be happy. why am i working so hard, for something that is worth so little? of course, i will admit, it's nice to be financially secure (relatively speaking), and be able to buy pretty, expensive toys (like purses and jewelry), but how important are those things really? in the bigger picture, isn't there more to life? and what am i doing with mine? okay, that's enough of the rhetorical questions. lesson of the day: money isn't everything. it can't buy happiness. find what's important to you, and don't let it go for all the world.

on another note, this week is going to be a big week. not only because i have 2 prelims, for which i am totally unprepared, but by the end of this week, i'll know where i'm going to be this summer, which has big implications for my future. gosh, i'm moving along in the world. scary to think, eh?

awkward.

2007-04-01T03:07:00.000-04:00

awkward is as awkward does. i have recently decided that i am the queen of awkward. seriously. i have this gift. it's like a sixth sense or something; i can turn any ordinary moment into a totally awkward one. i know you're all really jealous, you're just sitting there, thinking how badly you wish you could turn any situation into a nail-biting, hair-twirling fantastic event of awkwardness. well unfortunately, i can't reveal my secrets, because, well, i honestly don't know them either. it's not anything i've learned over the years, it's more like a subconscious skill that i've honed, developed, and improved over the years. however, fear not, my loyal little readers, because although i cannot provide you with the recipe for awkwardness, i can provide some dishes of awkward and let you do the disecting. and so, without further ado, i present, my top 3 moments of awesome-awkwardness.

3. the stairwell.
i actually cannot even count the number of times i have had awkward encounters in the stairwells. at statler, it's an unspoken rule that unless one is traveling more than 3 flights, it is socially unresponsible to take the elevator. therefore, i often find myself climbing the stairs multiple times a day. so, there i was, going down the stairs, discussing the usefulness of rhetorical devices, when i see *her* coming up the stairs. she's that girl that i used to be friends with, but we haven't talked in ages. of course, i still know what's going on with her, because i stalk her through facebook. so, i give an slight smile, and she kind of smiles back and stops walking, so then i feel obligated to say something, so then i stop and turn to her, and say hi, and she responds cheerfully. so now we're face-to-face, both stopped, standing and blocking the stairwell, and both try to start talking. since i know everything about her, thanks to my awesome stalking skills, i find it pointless to waste both her time and mine by asking her questions. so, i let her speak first. she goes through your typical, how was your summer, how was abroad, questioning, and before it's my turn to ask the questions, i feign some excuse about needing to go, laugh a nervous laugh, then insist on meeting for lunch or dinner sometime. i then proceed to run down the stairs and avoid her like the plague.

you see, to normal people, this isn't that wierd, or that awkward. but to me, oh i made it so awkward you would shiver. because during the exchange of our first words, i more or less mumbled, stuttered, and shifted my feet oh so slightly, but oh so awkwardly. i tend to trail off at the end of my sentences, ask rhetorical questions to myself, then talk a little to myself, all while she's between hello and how've you been.

2. outside the inner circle
at any party or large social gathering, there is a tendency for people to form little circles of conversation. being the queen of awkward that i am, i obviously couldn't just find a circle and stick to it, instead i wander. and i go to various circles, hover around the outside and attempt to make eye-contact with some members of the inner discussion group. most likely, this is to no avail, and i remain on the outside. next, instead of just leaving the little circle in search for better options, i try to fit into the conversation by laughing along with everyone and then trying to begin a sentence or ask a question. of course, more often than not, someone else starts speaking at the same time, but a little more prominently than me, so then i get overshadowed and boxed out, once again. so what happens next? do i claim defeat and retreat to safer regions? of course not, because this queen never rests. i do what any awkward child would, try again. i hold my ground just on the edge of the circle and ignore the shifty looks everyone keeps giving me. at the next joke, i am sure to laugh harder and louder than anyone else. i also try to stutter my way into the conversation with some thing that sounds like "oooohhh.... sooo.... do. you. uh. like. chocolate?" keep in mind, my voice is still trailing off at chocolate, and everyone in the circle is now successfully staring at me blankly, wonder who the little asian chick is, and what is she doing here? and why in the world is she talking about chocolate? it is at this moment that i know i have wonderfully overwelcomed my stay and then politely excuse myself. i find another circle, and repeat.

1. the cousin awkward avoidance
it is a little known fact that one of my cousins is currently a freshman at cornell. this is probably because i never really spent a great deal of time with him, and we don't exactly see eye-to-eye on things. so needless to say, i never expected to see him on campus. until that frightful friday we decided to eat at north campus. we went during prime dinner time, so of course most tables are fun. we're able to find a little tall table surrounded by bar stools, so we quickly claim that table. who should i see about 10 feet away, but my little cousin. with his friend. and his girlfriend. oh wonderful. a hundred awkward options flash before my eyes, but next thing i know, i'm off looking for edible food. i assemble a tray of possible digestive options, and return to the table. during dinner, i continue staring at my cousin, closely watching his interaction with the g.f. now is when my mind starts racing. all the options i have. first, i can go over, say hi, then walk away. but where would i walk to? my table, a whopping 10 feet away? then i'll still be in direct view of him, and feel obligated to speak more than 3 words (hey what's up). next, i can go, and have a discussion. fantastic idea, let's interrupt his conversation, make some pointless small talk, then walk away. but then this leads to another option, the girlfriend. would he introduce me to her? should i say that i've heard so much about her? how receptive of me will she be? and what if he doesn't introduce her? am i supposed to introduce myself? is he embarassed of me? so then what do i say to him and her? should i tell them i'm not going to go and tell my parents what happened? is he worried that i'm spying on him? is he embarassed of her? so many questions are running through my mind. i see so many options for utter and complete awkwardness, my mind short-circuits and i'm left silent. so, i take the easiest road out. don't say hi, don't worry about the girlfriend, and all is avoided.

so there you have it folks. my top 3 moments of awkwardness. take them. study them. repeat them. awkwardness. learn it. love it. live it.

lc.

2007-03-27T18:29:00.000-04:00

to all those amazing people out there who watch mtv's the hills, this one goes out to you. last summer, i spent a decent amount of time enjoying my luxury hotel room and watching tv. you see, i didn't have tv at home for the past, oh, 5 years at least. so being able to watch tv while sitting in bed and eating dinner was kind of a big deal for me. one of my favorite shows that i picked up was the hills, mtv's reality show starring lauren, or LC from laguna beach. because of said lack of tv, i didn't know who she was, or what was her deal, but i knew that i was mysteriously sucked into this show and couldn't get enough. then, the new season premiered, and due to my lack of mtv, i sadly missed the majority of the season. however, due to recent activities, i found myself with a whole day to kill, and a season of california drama to catch up on. and thus began my journey. i watched just about the whole season (all 11 episodes), minus the season finale in one evening. then i started thinking.

why am i so drawn into this show? what is it about their lives that are so much more fascinating than mine, and why do i keep watching? and i realized, i feel a sort of connection with these wealthy, mostly blonde, club going girls. now, i'm sure you're wondering how in the world i could have anything in common with these girls, because surely i don't share any part of their lifestyles. i don't work for a magazine, sbe didn't respond to my resume, and i definitely don't get tables at the newest clubs on a weekly basis. my 21st birthday was far from a surprise party at hyde (my friends refused to throw me a surprise party for lack of possible invitees), and my job isn't so glamorous. i don't routinely go out for dinner, lunch, or brunch, and i just can't seem to pull off the oversized-sunglasses look. however, despite all these superficial differences, we're still all girls with best friends and broken hearts.

sure, i think they overdramatize everything and enjoy making mountains from molehills. and yes, i find it ridiculous that every serious conversation heidi and spencer have is either in area or in his car. but at the same time, watching lauren fall in and out of love, whitney compete for a job, and heidi go through all her drama, really brings it back home for me. there are so many times when i'm watching lauren and heidi fighting and supporting each other, through thick and thin, and i feel like i'm there, sitting on the couch with them. i listen to lauren's words of wisdom and i understand the pain her heart feels. i see heidi make the same mistakes, yell at her for taking him back, then fully understand why she hasn't yet learned. and as frustrating as it all is, i know that i do the same thing. i forgive the guy i shouldn't. i don't forgive the girl i should. i believe in second chances. i believe in best friends. i put chicks before dicks. i put dicks before chicks. i make mistakes. i learn from them. i move on. and that, my dear friends, is what we have in common. you live and you learn. no matter how much money you have, how glamorous your life appears, how many friends are at your party, what kind of car you drive, or what man is on your arm, we're all just human. and even if it's not on good morning america modeling the dress hilary swank wore, we all fall.

only time

2007-03-19T21:29:00.000-04:00

the memory is an amazing and fascinating thing. i mean, our brains seem only so large (some larger than others), but think of all the years of memories and knowledge that's stored up there. i know i make fun of my parents for their bad memory, but truth is, mine kind of sucks too. sometimes, when people give me instructions or important information, i'll repeat it all quietly after them. this isn't because i'm trying to be a parrot, it's because i'm trying to remember it all. repetition helps me remember. i'm really bad at history because i can't remember important dates or years or facts for my life. 1842, columbus sailed the ocean blue? i don't even know. so, it's not necessarily that i'm stupid, but apparently my brain finds it more useful to store the lyrics to eminem's lastest "song" than the years of wwI and wwII.

however, as bad as my memory may be, there are some things that i just can't forget. there are songs that bring be back to that night, to that day, to that time. there are stories that will pop into my mind, not because i remember you, but because i can't forget you. there are smells and sounds that bring me back to a time of happiness and togetherness. and then there are sights. those places, things, and events that will forever elicit a feeling of nostalgia and cause my heart to break a little more. because, you see, as hard as i may try, these memories can never be erased or replaced. they remain in our crammed little minds, occupying that fraction of a cell, but at the right trigger, the song, the story, the smell, the sound, the sight, they are released, and none can predict the damage it will cause. maybe it'll be harmless and evoke a giggle or a smile, but maybe it'll be that moment that tears your heart and breaks you inside. and the worst thing, you have no control over these memories. you can't control when they'll flood your mind, how you'll feel, or how you'll react. they just come. and fill your entire essence so that all that remains is the little girl dancing with the boy, both filled with so much happiness you think your heart will pop. of course, then your bubble pops, the horrid memory of the humilation that followed the dance dries out the wave of happiness, and you're left to feel the rock-hard ground of reality.

but let's not be negative. these memories, the good and the bad, remind me of another time, and another person. i'm no longer that little girl dancing with the boy. i've changed and i've grown. i've used these memories to improve myself and my decisions. i've learned from my mistakes, as well as my successes. and i'm still learning. and along the way, i'm creating more memories. instead of that overalls-clad dork tripping up the stairs, i'm now that awkward "young adult" tripping up the stairs, but may a lesson be learned from that as well. don't wear heels while trekking through 2 inches of slush uphill.

golden rings

2007-03-12T04:23:00.000-04:00

1. social experiments
i decided that i like social experiments, like beauty and the geek. this means i do things that others consider "psychotic," like ignoring best friends for periods of time and for no apparent reason, except to see what happens (sorry about the nightmares). i also do things like create hypothetical situations, to test theories of reaction, which then get me into trouble. i sometimes make bad decisions in an effort to learn a lesson, or gain an experience. i like to observe those around me. believe it or not, i actually do pay attention to what you say, how you sit, and who you sit next to in class. i wonder how two people know each other, or why they're friends. i analyze the public interactions between people, then think about their private ones (but not in a sick, creepy sort of way). i like to pick people apart, then put them together, but a little differently. i also tend to judge and label others. it's okay, i know you do it to me too. people's personalities, characteristics, and behaviors fascinate and confuse me. i want to get into your brain, does that make me psychotic?

2. road trip
i have no idea what i'm doing this summer. i don't have an internship yet. i don't know if i'll get one. if not, maybe i'll road trip through the country. i want to explore more of the great wonders of this nation. i want to go to las vegas (for purely educational purposes), tennessee (you're the only ten i see), georgia (to pick peaches), alabama, louisiana, kentucky, west virginia, kansas, ohio, oregon, south dakota, new mexico... the list continues. there is just SO much in this country, relatively close to home, that i have yet to see or learn about. how terribly sad. i need to break free from this north-east bubble!

3. senioritis
i'm picking my first semester senior year courses in a few weeks. i've already started spazing. there are just so many i want to take! i have 2 required classes left- 305 and 441 (the names don't matter). THEN, there are 8 hotel electives i want to take, including (but not limited to): casino operations, airlines, wines, guest chefs, and a few more. however, of the 8 electives, 4 are only offered in the spring, and 3 are only offered in the fall. therefore, if i take my 2 requirements, plus the 3 electives in the fall, and then 5 electives in the spring, i'll be good. right? wrong. because THEN, i also want to take spanish again (i need to keep practicing and learning, watching volver a million times won't do it), web design, psych101, and a multitude of other classes. there are just too many! SO, this is what i am thinking: i'll definitely not be able to take psych 101 AND casinos, because they are both only offered at the exact same time (friday 10:10). so, drop psych. okay, so then if i take spanish in the fall, and web design in the spring, i'll be taking about 18 credits each semester of my senior year. good idea? not so sure. so, now i'm going to try to take some of these classes pass/fail. however, i can't really take a hotel elective pass/fail, but what if it's not really a "hotel elective"? what if i just want the credits to go towards free? i mean, i only need 19 more credits to graduate anyways, so why should it really matter? i just want to continue learning about this great industry called hospitality. and i want to expand my mind! LET ME LEARN!!!

4. what lies ahead
so after i road trip this summer, and overload next year, i'm on to graduation. i have no idea what i want to do. i always just figured i'd go into hotel operations, be a front desk manager or something, then work my way up, until i found a suitable husband, get married, have kids, and become the trophy soccer mom/housewife. but the more i think about it and the more i look around, there's so much more i want to do. in the past few days, i have seriously considered:
becoming a flight attendant- the only downside, being on reserve for the first year or so. but, i love traveling and it would allow me to travel around and make friends.
becoming a high school guidance counselor- i've realized that i really like giving out advice, and helping people solve their problems, and giving career advice. i never said i was really good at it, but i think i'd be fun to help steer kids in a direction, any direction really. plus, all those applications i'd get to read-over and forms to fill-out; sign me up!
becoming a career services person- this is similar to the guidance counselor, but on a college level. i thought seriously about this for a few minutes, then realized i don't want to deal with stressed, overworked, sleep-deprived, overambitious, college kids. i just can't handle them. everyone just needs to chill. ha.
i'm sure i'll think of many more splendid career paths i could take. but then, what good would my education be? does it really do me any good anyways? sometimes i feel like such a slacker here, because i'm surrounded by so many kids who have done so much more with their time both on and off-campus, that i feel like i should be doing more with my time than writing silly blogs. but you know, this is college, and it's what you make of it. i decide to make silly blogs, you can decide to make the cure for cancer. to each his own.

5. this is what cornell does to you
cornell, i love you, but sometimes i hate you. you have turned me into a competitive, introverted freak. okay, so maybe i was a freak since i was little, but i really wasn't always competitve or introverted. in high school, i never really cared that much about school or grades. i did enough work to pass, and studied more for things i liked, like calculus. but how i did, compared to others, was never really that big of a deal to me. but then i come here, where the only thing that matters is how you do compared to others. that's why they don't grade based on a 1-100 pt. scale, they grade based on means and st. devs. well, the hotel school doesn't, but the rest of cornell does. and i ask myself, why? you can't compare apples and oranges, so why are you comparing the little nerdy math-asian finance freak to the ditzy bopping blonde sorority chick? sorry for the stereotypes/insults, you know i don't mean them. see #1. anyways, what ever happened to that "everyone is unique and special" concept? aren't we all winners? i mean, isn't surviving life (which no one really does) hard enough? why make it harder?
secondly, my new found introversion. it's something i learned freshman year, through one of those MBTI tests (or some combination of similar letters). you know, that test you take that tells you if you're feeling or sensing, thinking or intuitive, spaz attack or OCD. something like that. well, in high school, it told me i was an extrovert, all the way. but now, it says i'm an introvert, and i say, wtf? how am I an introvert? have you met me mr. jung? but then, i think, and i realize, i am kind of introverted. like when i hide in my closet to watch movies all alone (except for when goofy joins me). or like how i prefer to work in room service, because then i don't have to talk to other people as much. and how i hate interacting with people who drain my energy (but then again, who doesn't). is it a bad thing? maybe it's not. i think through my introversion, i have actually matured (read: i've accepted the fact that i'm going to be alone so i might as well get used to it and learn to live). so maybe it's a good thing that i now prefer to be alone instead of large groups. i'm a lot more myself and self-sufficient. say hello to the future miss independent.

college, who knew?

2007-03-08T03:26:00.000-05:00

people always told me college would be the best years of my life. the summer after my senior year, i didn't understand how anything could be better than high school. oh how little did i know. now that i've been here for nearly 3 years, i can confidently say that i've had the time of my life. despite the freezing weather, group projects, and library late nights (which aren't so bad... see previous post), i have grown to truly love and appreciate cornell and college life as a whole.

i am repeatedly reminded of the most important lesson i have learned thus far: there's more to life than classes, prelims, and grades. you're only in college once, and although education is important, it's not going to make or break your life. what will, however, have a lasting impact unrivaled by academics, are the relationships that are built and memories made. aw, how sweet. As cheesy as it may sound, it's true. the friends i have made during these three years have become more than just the people i do homework with or go out to eat with (although we do that a lot too). they've become the people i turn to when i'm stressed, or run to when i'm happy. they're the ones i can talk to about anything and everything for hours on end. and it never ceases to amaze me how far we've come.

freshman year, i was hesistant about making friends. i couldn't imagine leaving my high school outer square and finding an inner circle of new best friends. yet somehow i have been able to branch out and form friendships i never would have imagined. and the fact that we remain friends as i continue to make new ones still surprises me. i can honestly say that i can't imagine my life without these kids, and because of them i have changed for the better. they say high school friends shape who you are, and college friends shape your life. if that's the case, then i have one pretty awesome life ahead of me.

uris.

2007-03-05T02:38:00.000-05:00

there is something terribly wrong with me. i have discovered today that i derive some sick pleasure out of staying at the library all night. i subconsciously (or not so subconsciously), purposely procrastinate my work until the very last night so i end up staying up all night, sitting by myself in this fishbowl, working, and further procrastinating my work. of course, the fact that i'm sticky and smelly from work just adds to the pleasure gained for me (i can't say the same about those sitting within a 10 ft. radius of me).

the lesson: don't let me trick you. when i'm complaining about how much work i have, i secretly love it. i don't drink coffee because i stayed up late, i stay up late so i can drink coffee. maybe deep down, i'm trying to prove that hotelies do have hard work, and it isn't as easy as some think. which reminds me of a joke i heard today:

Q: How many hotelies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he gets 4 credits for doing it.

ha. ha. ha. anyways, so yes, maybe i'm just trying to prove the social norm wrong, and instead of overdramatizing a class, i just work extra hard, to give the impression of difficulty. oops, cat's out of the bag. don't quote me on this, because some classes really are hard. for example, the one i'm currently procrastinating, 321. i don't even know the real name for the class, that's how hard it is. i go to every lecture, and am always awake. granted, i am usually uselessly attempting the daily crossword, but i at least pay attention some of the time, and jot down a few notes here and there. shouldn't that mean something?! you know it's bad when you have a prelim coming up and don't even know what the class is called. maybe if he made it open book, open notebook, and no time limit it wouldn't be so hard. actually, on second thought, it wouldn't matter. i returned the textbook for this class because i couldn't understand any of the words. my notes are all covered in ink smudges from the crosswords. i'm just going to have to accept the fact that this is not going to be my best class yet. which is sad, because until now, i was doing decent in my finance classes. i mean, besides absolutely bombing my 121 final (which, by the way, brought my semester grade down by a whole letter, you do the math), i managed to do surprising well in the rest of my little math classes. that just proves my inner nerdiness. freshman year, second semester, my best class by far was calculus. i know. okay, this rambling has continued long enough. i think i'm in the right frame of mind now to compile some jumbled words and numbers into what i think is a memo. of course, now i have the problem of dried contacts. oh the toils of being me.

april 25th

2007-03-02T03:11:00.000-05:00

whatever happened to dates? in middle school, a date consisted of our parents driving us to the movies, sharing a popcorn and maybe a soda, then getting picked up at the end of the movie. in high school, we figured things out. we learned how to get over our nerves and ask the pretty girl/cute boy out; we went to the movies followed by the classy trip to the diner. but now in college, dates have become like this rare breed of dog, that only comes out for shows and newspaper articles. maybe i've just been misled by all my chick lit, flicks, and tv, but i have this idea of what a date should be, and it doesn't include a late-night phone call, that burrito place, or a midnight drive. well, okay, maybe a midnight drive, but it better be going somewhere other than wegman's. it's like in college we lower our standards of what a date should be, and settle for dinner at plum tree followed by the latest downloaded movie from dc++. but does the wild world of dating get that much better after college? or is it too much like going back to high school?

now i'll admit, i'm not the best person to be talking about dating, seeing that i've never been on a real date before (at least what i would consider a date), but i've been in enough fuzzy relationships, and have witnessed plenty of functional and dysfunctional relationships to know what i want. call me a romantic, but i want to be asked out in more words than just "let's go out," i want to be picked up at my front door, not just called from downstairs; i want flowers and chocolates, not a handful of stolen napkins and mints. i want that awkward moment at the end of the night when you're paused at your door, wondering if you should go in for a kiss, or if he'll go in for a kiss, but what if you bump heads or he's a bad kisser? is there a piece of cheese stuck in your teeth? is that chili he ate still in his breath? did he have fun? should you invite him in? is this going anywhere? and where are my keys?

yes, i'm a romantic. yes, i'm an idealist. but is there anything really wrong with that? should i feel bad because i have these high ideals of what my perfect date would be? am i being too unrealistic? am i asking for too much? i think not.

21

2007-02-26T01:58:00.000-05:00

the old is gone, the new has come. the end of an era. the beginning of the end. the point of no return. "when you turn 21, all sorts of new doors open." "yes. mostly bar doors." my 21st birthday was nothing overly exciting; it was actually quite routine. went to dinner, opened presents, ate cake, bonded with friends. yes, you can add some wine and shots into that sequence, but basically, it was the same old-same old birthday bash. so what makes this one so much more significant? beside being able to legally enter bars and purchase alcohol, not a whole lot is different. i feel the same. i look the same. i act the same. so what's the big deal about getting older?

oh, i know. it's that number. it may be just a number, but it's a kind-of-a-big-deal number. even if other people don't know your real number, you still have that number stapled to your side for the next 12 months. and with that number comes all sorts of little surprises. there's a certain level of knowledge you're supposed to have, a certain amount of leading you're supposed to do, a degree of maturity that should be reached. there's a gradual change that you don't even notice happening, until 365 days from now when you're sitting in the dark, thinking of the good old days... just a year ago.

where will i be in a year? hopefully with a few prospects for a job, some more direction for my life, and more money in my bank account. at the same time, i know i'll have another year's worth of life lessons, good memories, and $40k worth of knowledge. then there will be those skills and responsibilities i've gained over the year. things like paying for bills, rent, and groceries; cooking dinner and then cleaning afterwards; running errands like going to the bank, doing laundry, and cleaning the apartment. all these little life lessons that have accumulated over the past few years will continue growing and developing.

on the one hand, i feel like my life is finally starting; i'm entering into a new phase of life, one that is full of socializing and late nights. on the other hand, i feel like i'm getting older, and am compelled to act more mature and responsible. but then, i don't feel older, i don't look older, so am i really older? in my bubble of school and friends, it's so easy to feel like i'm still that little awkward girl with braces and bad haircuts. but then when i look around, i realize that everything around me is changing. i see all the new freshmen i've met, and all the students that are no longer at cornell; i realize i've joined that pool of upper-classmen. when did this happen? when did we get so old?

looking back over the past year, i realize it has been one of the best years of my life. i travelled to puerto rico with two very awesome girls, i went to china to discover my "roots", i lived and worked in the best city in the world, and i spent 4 months experiencing another language and culture in ecuador. i went through more in this past year than some do in 4. i also learned more about myself and the world around me than i ever did sitting in the library. for the first time, i feel like i have truly lived. and now, it just blows my mind to think of all that lies ahead of me. what will this next year bring? what new journeys will i take, and what new things will i experience? all i know is this: in the end, when i'm old and grey, rocking in my chair thinking about the time that passed, i want to know that i have learned, loved, and most of all, lived. maybe getting older won't be so bad after all.

40 days

2007-02-23T03:18:00.000-05:00

the past wednesday, ash wednesday, marked the beginning of a period known as lent. lent is the period of time (considered to be 40 days, when in reality it's 46, but they don't count sundays... wikipedia it) leading up to Easter sunday. lent has come a long way from its origin, but current customs include fasting from certain foods or giving up something that is enjoyed. every year around this time i find myself contemplating what it is that i'm willing to give up. one year back in high school, i decided to give up shopping for myself. i know, big deal. however, what i didn't account for was the fact that i would be visiting the mall of america before the end of lent. yes, that's right, i went to the mall of america... for spring break. yes, my parents love me that much. anyway, back to the point. i was going to THE mall of america, how could i not shop? so as you may have guessed, i quickly abandoned that decision, and ended up not giving up anything. as a matter of fact, i have never successfully given up anything for the entire period of lent. ever.

this morning (the day doesn't end until i sleep), i was walking to class with my dear friend. in order to keep her as my friend, i am obliged to keep her anonymous. so we're walking to class, talking about our exciting lives, and then begin discussing lent. she's a good little Catholic girl, so she always gives something up, and actually follows through. last year she gave up coffee. both the world and i would be much more miserable if i gave up coffee. while discussing possible things to abstain from, such as snacking, shopping, and boys (basically, my life), i thought, what makes lent so different from new year's resolutions? they always create that false feeling of hope for betterment or self-improvement. they always sound good at first and look good on paper. they're really not that different.

so why is it that so many more people seem inclined to observe lent and succeed in their self-deprivation, while millions constantly fail at their new year's resolutions? my theory: it's all in the timing. new year's resolutions seem more definite. i will not drink coffee for the rest of this year. whoa, yeah right. i will not drink coffee for the next 40 (+6) days. okay, that's doable. so that's the trick. break it down a little. take it slow. treat every month like it's lent. give up something new every 40 days. stop looking at the year as a single unit; start seeing it as 12 entities. think of the year as a pie, and each month is a slice of that pie. who cares about the rest of the pie, all that matters is the slice sitting in front of you. the rest of the pie is all the goodness you'll get to enjoy after you finish this piece. so go ahead, dig into your slice. strive for that goal. make those resolutions. after all, it's as easy as pie.

*as a side note, i am currently taking suggestions for lent. go ahead, throw them out there. after all, they can't be more ridiculous than giving up statler salads. as a bonus, you'll get to read all about it.

tell me about a time...

2007-02-22T01:23:00.000-05:00

interviews. one of the more necessary evils in this world. let me start by saying, i hate them. i don't care if it's a formal interview with the suits, business cards and resumes, an informal meeting at the local coffeeshop, or even an over the telephone and miles apart conversation. i just don't like them. now, i'm not saying this because i'm bad at them (which may be true), but in fact, i don't like interviews for many reasons. and so, i now present to you, my hit list of interview pet peeves:

first up, behavioral questions. okay, i understand that past behaviors and choices are often predictive of future behaviors and choices, but isn't there a better way of learning how i'll react to a policy change or miscommunication? let's be real here, i have plenty of hotel experience that has provided me with enough knowledge to be comfortable in various situations. however, just because i can't think of a time when i had to bend or break a rule for guest, doesn't mean i won't rise to the situation and meet or exceed your expectations. seriously, what are the chances that i have experienced every situation you're going to ask me about? are you trying to get me to lie? is it going to count against me if i've never had to work with a culture or language barrier?

next, that quagmire question "do you have any questions for me?" this bomb is dropped towards the second half of the interview, after i have been grilled about my past. now it's my turn to do the questioning. i have learned through the years of some questions that are pretty safe for any type of interview; describe the culture, how did you decide this was the right company for you, what are you favorite aspect of working for Q Company, etc. and, i do try to be genuinely interested in the answer, but there are times when i can't think of any questions that i'd care about the answer. most likely, i am too busy thinking about that one time i used technology to independently implement a solution to even properly form a cohesive, interesting, and thoughtful question. maybe i am just so infatuated with your company that i don't need to know anything more. c'mon now, hire me already!

finally, that very awkward moment after i've given my outstanding behavioral examples (and earned that gold star, thank you very much) and after the interviewer listed the top 15 reasons why Q Company is the best. what is the proper way to end an interview? do you lead in with something like "well, i don't want to take up any more of your time..." (of course, then you have an additional awkward situation if you're the last interviewee) or should it be more bluntly stated as "okay, well, that's all for now. thanks! bye!" there must be some happy medium that comes between prematurely jumping ship and lingering so long the interviewer literally pushes you out the door.

despite my utter disgust for interviews, i've had my fair share of them so far this year. they've ranged from formal, suit-up and shower to the informal, pj and coffee phone interviews. and i have grinned and beared my way through the tiring process. but in the end, after all hypothetical situations are mentioned and awkward silences broken, if you ask me how it went, i'll always give you the same answer. it was okay.

question one.

2007-02-21T02:56:00.000-05:00

if you had neither eaten nor slept for 48 hours, which would you rather do: sleep and be hungry or eat and be tired?

the first one

2007-02-21T02:47:00.000-05:00

and this begins my collection of questions, ramblings, and thoughts from late at night, early in the morning, or anytime in between. enjoy.