closure

since i have separation anxiety, i attempt to compensate (or protect myself) by not saying goodbye. i guess i figure if i never say goodbye, then it's not final, so there's nothing to be sad about. the downside is, if i never say goodbye, then i never have any closure. i mean, i know that the friendship is over when we haven't spoken in three years and i barely remember the sound of your voice. but there's something about that final goodbye. as sad as it is, there's a sense of completion through both sides agreeing that future contact is unlikely.

at the end of high school, i didn't say goodbye to a lot of my friends. we delayed the farewells to graduation, then to summer, then to next summer, until we lost contact (until that facebook friend request, of course). but now, i don't talk to a majority of my friends from high school. sure, i wonder what they've been up to, and how their lives are going. i try to stalk a little via facebook just to know who's going where and who's doing what. i'm excited to go to my five year reunion and see who ended up making the money, and who's still struggling to graduate college. see, once again, i am filling myself with the false hope of seeing these "friends" again. maybe this summer i'll run in to them at the bars in mo-town. or perhaps randomly one night in the city (it's happened before). no matter how likely or unlikely it seems, i continue living with this tiny beacon of hope that our friendship is not over, and there is always the possibility of reconnecting and starting fresh. last summer i spent some time with a few guys from high school that i never thought i'd talk to again. life's funny like that sometimes.

so as the seniors prepare to officially graduate tomorrow, i'm faced with a dilemia. do i fight back the tears and depression and bid a fond farewell to these friends who have played such a large role in my college experience? or do i gracefully (and quietly) bow out, saying neither "goodbye" nor "later" and letting the friendship fade until it's barely recognizable in the future. of course, then i'll always be wondering...

kin to your last breath

last night i had this really strange dream involving a friend of mine... i'm not going to list names, because well, it would be quite inappropriate. anyways, so in this dream, something very astonishing happened that i never really thought would. have i been subconciously thinking about this event? and i rarely remember my dreams for very long; i normally can only remember it for a little bit after awaking, and within a few hours, the details become blurry. however, this dream was just so real, that i can't stop playing it through my mind, and i actually have to convince myself that it didn't really happen.
now i'm moderately concerned about the implication of this dream. i know it's just a dream and didn't really happen, and no one knows about it except me, but still. it bothers me that these ideas were deep in my brain, and worse yet, i wish the dream was true (note: it was not a nightmare, it was a dream, a good one). so now, should i act upon this dream, even though it could be based on unfound reasoning, or should i just ignore that it ever happened and trust the memories will soon fade?

to the left.

so i'm honestly trying very hard to balance all these blogs... it's harder than you may think. why do i need multiple blogs, you ask? well, i don't really know. i'm a little a.d.d. when it comes to things like layout, colors, etc., and i like to play around with different combos and looks and such, so having multiple blogs allows me to experiment and play with different settings. but anyways...

this past semester has been the most difficult emotionally for me. academically, it could arguablyl also be considered the most difficult, but the jury's still out on that one. originally, it was a little difficult transitioning back into cornell and college life here. living in a new apartment with people was an adjustment. it's worked out pretty well. my roommate and i actually get along quite well, and i'm actually going to miss her next year (we're still living together, but next year we'll each get singles...). speaking of next year, i just saw our new apartment for the first time and i'm SO excited. i'll finally have my own room (for the first time in college), and our living room/common room is HUGE. we have a HUGE tv, and THREE, that's right, THREE sofas. my bathroom is also as large as our kitchen. so we either have a small kitchen or a huge bathroom (i vote for the latter).

not only did i have to adjust to living with other people, but i also struggled with adjusting back to the old groove of things. you know, classes, work, exams, that whole thing. it was also a little challenging at first to rekindle some friendships. not seeing people for a whole 5 months can put a lot of strain on a friendship. however, looking back, i'd say that it all worked out well enough, and things typically do. i've learned a lot of lessons this past semester, especially the past few weeks. i was discussing with someone the other day about college, and how it's more than a place and education. to me, college is all about the experience. i could go to arguably a variety of universities/colleges and gain the same education, but it's the friends that are made and the experiences that are had that make all the difference. i can honestly say that i have thoroughly enjoyed my three years so far, and am looking forward to this last year. i plan on seizing the year, and doing everything that i can. i want to get more involved, both on campus and off. i want to volunteer, possibly at the ithaca pregnancy center, actually attend a jfci meeting, and really just reach out to the little froshies. i also plan on trying to get more involved with cbs. crazy, i know. i just don't want to leave cornell feeling like i wasted four years of possible friendships, if that makes any sense.

on a lighter note, blogger now saves my drafts automatically, which is quite exciting, seeing that my computer is slightly tempermental. i also love excel. like seriously, love it.

smile.

i just need to get this off my chest:
i love cailin mckinney.
she makes me smile and laugh when i have every reason to kill myself. she also doesn't mind that my toes look like they're bleeding or i'm failing a class. she eats froyo with me at midnight instead of studying. cailin makes me happy. like coffee. and sunshine.

miss independent

in the name of self-preservation, i have decided to blame society for the increasing number of single women. before you call me a bitter, old, cat-lady, let me explain. the way i see it, society and our technologically-focused culture is hindering our ability and willingness to go out and meet new people and start relationships. increasing promotion of women empowerment, while good for equality, is serving to encourage singleness and put women on equal levels as men. don't get me wrong, i think men and women should be treated equally and deserve the same amount of respect, but at the same time, by pushing women to be independent, saying that we are better off without a man by our side, is also causing more women to purposely avoid having a man in order to feel more empowered.

additionally, more and more mainstream female singers are promoting girl power. songs like lindsay's "i decide" or katharine mcphee's "over it" are songs of girl-strength and independence. i will admit, i enjoy listening to these songs (see previous entry), especially after being rejected or dismissed. they are the songs i listen to when i want to feel stronger than i actually am or need to remind myself that i can stand on my own two feet. but that's just it. these are the songs i listen to when i don't what a guy by my side- when i'm sick and tired of boy-drama and want to prove that i can be alone and happy. of course, we all know these phases don't last too long, and i soon find myself lying in bed, singing along to rachel proctor's "didn't i" and nick's "what's left of me." but i digress.

it's not just pop culture that's turning us away from men, it's technology that's making it more and more convenient to be alone. for example, i-pods and various other mp3 players are nearly a necessity to most people. but what do these little music-playing wonders do? they allow, nay, encourage people to be antisocial. in previous ages, someone sitting alone in the park was an invitation to strike up a conversation and make a new friend. now, that person is sitting alone, but the ears are plugged with cute, little, white buds, making any approach seem unwelcomed. i challenge everyone spend a day i-pod free, walking around, sitting alone, and see what happens. even if no one approaches you (i'd argue we've lost the art of talking to strangers), you'd be amazed at the things you notice, see, and hear when you're not all caught up bouncing along to avril's "girlfriend."

of course, the previously mentioned challenge only works if you actually go outdoors to wander around. this brings me to my next society-induced singleness tool: online dating. i know, you're all thinking that online dating is only for loser who can't get anyone on their own via "normal" routes (meaning, bars, clubs, and other such activities). however, online dating is becoming amazingly more and more popular. and those guys who truly can't get action on their own? well, they're on the bachelor. or survivor. but that's besides the point. moving on... so online dating is becoming increasingly popular. think about it: why go through the effort of dressing up and going out with the hope of meeting someone interesting, when you can sit at home in sweats and log-on to match.com. after all, it's less harsh to be rejected online than in person. at least online you can convince yourself the hot, 6-pac, 23-year old from nyc is actually a wrinkly, flabby, 45-year old from south dakota. additionally, you don't have to deal with those lame pick-up lines... just don't poke back.

i could think of a bunch more reasons why society is to blame, but that would take too much time, and i have a final to study for. oh, there's another reason- competition for grades, jobs, and the like is getting tougher and harder, which means we need to be spending more time studying and working, especially if we want to be considered equal to our male counterparts. also there's the rising prices of gas and movie tickets. "traditional" (or high school) dates are now more expensive than ever. why pay $24 for two tickets, when you can rent a dvd for $5? what sort of future implications does this all have on the future of romance?! what will happen to hopeless romantics like myself? are we doomed and destined to be single? okay, that's enough rhetorical questions for now. back to studying the wonderful world of consumer behavior.

move your feet!

just for fun, a list of my current favorite songs (for an assortment of reasons and in no particular order) :

listen- beyonce knowles
beautiful- moby
te busque- nelly furtado feat. juanes
slow motion- third eye blind
like a boy- ciara
welcome to the black parade- my chemical romance
cupid's chokehold- gym class heroes
ice box- omarion
the sweet escape- gwen stefani
what hurts the most- rascal flatts
upside down- jack johnson
unfaithful- rihanna
the adventure- angels and airwaves
didn't i- rachel proctor
it ends tonight- the all-american rejects
over it- katharine mcphee
girlfriend- avril lavigne

don't blink.

slope day. one of the most anticipated days of the academic year. it's hard to believe another semester has come and gone, another year done, and one more year closer to being out in the "real world." this past semester has gone by so quickly, yet the beginning felt like so long ago. i remember first moving into my apartment, adjusting to being back at middle-of-nowhere cornell. at least it didn't get really cold until... february. and i just put my boots away today. how momentous. but back to my main point.

a mere four months ago, i was just learning my schedule and getting back into the groove of being in real classes, taking notes, and being responsible. i began new classes: learning about discrimination, torts, contracts, and a plethora of other life lessons in 387, improving my public speaking skills in 365, experimenting and indulging my inner-nerd in 301, understanding the way consumers think in 347, and of course, failing miserably in 321. i reunited with *most* of my hotelies, rekindled freshman year friendships (*ting!*), and even made some new friends! i had the pleasure of being taught by some talented and knowledge professors, while also revisiting some old teachers. as much as i hate paying cornell as much tuition as i do, i must admit that i'm infinitely grateful for the education i have received so far. although i sometimes (or most times), don't think i've really learned much of anything, i know i have. i'm sure if i concentrate really hard, i'd be able to remember how to make a statement of cash flows, what the law of dimishing returns means, the four P's of business writing, what title VII is, maslow's heirarchy of needs, the empirical rule, what causes campylobacter jejuni, the four P's of marketing, and whatever else my $120,000 have bought me (and by my, i mean my parents').

so yes, another semester has gone flying by, but when i think of all that has happened in the past four months, i am at a loss for words. while going through it all, it felt like time crept by... everyday felt so long and summer seemed so far away. but now that i'm here, i look around, and i wonder where the time has gone. if this past year went by so quickly, how much faster will the next? and before you know it, i'll be graduating and moving out.

it has been said that i suffer from separation anxiety. i believe this was mentioned when i was reading an opinion column in the cornell daily sun, and i became saddened at the thought of another senior (one i have never met) leaving my world of cornell and entering a new one. thinking of all those who have come and gone in and out of my life, and i can't help but feel a sense of loss. these people, whether friends, acquaintences, or even enemies, no doubt still impacted and helped shape me into the person i am today. and to think, i may never see them again! how can that not make you sad? well, i suppose life goes on, and the best i can do is keep moving along and enjoy the times as they come. i guess the lesson for me is not to be sad because of the past, but be excited for the future. if i keep living my life through what-ifs, i'll miss out on all the good stuff. the past is past. it's gone. it's time to move along and just keep swimming. have a good day.