closure

since i have separation anxiety, i attempt to compensate (or protect myself) by not saying goodbye. i guess i figure if i never say goodbye, then it's not final, so there's nothing to be sad about. the downside is, if i never say goodbye, then i never have any closure. i mean, i know that the friendship is over when we haven't spoken in three years and i barely remember the sound of your voice. but there's something about that final goodbye. as sad as it is, there's a sense of completion through both sides agreeing that future contact is unlikely.

at the end of high school, i didn't say goodbye to a lot of my friends. we delayed the farewells to graduation, then to summer, then to next summer, until we lost contact (until that facebook friend request, of course). but now, i don't talk to a majority of my friends from high school. sure, i wonder what they've been up to, and how their lives are going. i try to stalk a little via facebook just to know who's going where and who's doing what. i'm excited to go to my five year reunion and see who ended up making the money, and who's still struggling to graduate college. see, once again, i am filling myself with the false hope of seeing these "friends" again. maybe this summer i'll run in to them at the bars in mo-town. or perhaps randomly one night in the city (it's happened before). no matter how likely or unlikely it seems, i continue living with this tiny beacon of hope that our friendship is not over, and there is always the possibility of reconnecting and starting fresh. last summer i spent some time with a few guys from high school that i never thought i'd talk to again. life's funny like that sometimes.

so as the seniors prepare to officially graduate tomorrow, i'm faced with a dilemia. do i fight back the tears and depression and bid a fond farewell to these friends who have played such a large role in my college experience? or do i gracefully (and quietly) bow out, saying neither "goodbye" nor "later" and letting the friendship fade until it's barely recognizable in the future. of course, then i'll always be wondering...