awkward.

awkward is as awkward does. i have recently decided that i am the queen of awkward. seriously. i have this gift. it's like a sixth sense or something; i can turn any ordinary moment into a totally awkward one. i know you're all really jealous, you're just sitting there, thinking how badly you wish you could turn any situation into a nail-biting, hair-twirling fantastic event of awkwardness. well unfortunately, i can't reveal my secrets, because, well, i honestly don't know them either. it's not anything i've learned over the years, it's more like a subconscious skill that i've honed, developed, and improved over the years. however, fear not, my loyal little readers, because although i cannot provide you with the recipe for awkwardness, i can provide some dishes of awkward and let you do the disecting. and so, without further ado, i present, my top 3 moments of awesome-awkwardness.

3. the stairwell.
i actually cannot even count the number of times i have had awkward encounters in the stairwells. at statler, it's an unspoken rule that unless one is traveling more than 3 flights, it is socially unresponsible to take the elevator. therefore, i often find myself climbing the stairs multiple times a day. so, there i was, going down the stairs, discussing the usefulness of rhetorical devices, when i see *her* coming up the stairs. she's that girl that i used to be friends with, but we haven't talked in ages. of course, i still know what's going on with her, because i stalk her through facebook. so, i give an slight smile, and she kind of smiles back and stops walking, so then i feel obligated to say something, so then i stop and turn to her, and say hi, and she responds cheerfully. so now we're face-to-face, both stopped, standing and blocking the stairwell, and both try to start talking. since i know everything about her, thanks to my awesome stalking skills, i find it pointless to waste both her time and mine by asking her questions. so, i let her speak first. she goes through your typical, how was your summer, how was abroad, questioning, and before it's my turn to ask the questions, i feign some excuse about needing to go, laugh a nervous laugh, then insist on meeting for lunch or dinner sometime. i then proceed to run down the stairs and avoid her like the plague.

you see, to normal people, this isn't that wierd, or that awkward. but to me, oh i made it so awkward you would shiver. because during the exchange of our first words, i more or less mumbled, stuttered, and shifted my feet oh so slightly, but oh so awkwardly. i tend to trail off at the end of my sentences, ask rhetorical questions to myself, then talk a little to myself, all while she's between hello and how've you been.

2. outside the inner circle
at any party or large social gathering, there is a tendency for people to form little circles of conversation. being the queen of awkward that i am, i obviously couldn't just find a circle and stick to it, instead i wander. and i go to various circles, hover around the outside and attempt to make eye-contact with some members of the inner discussion group. most likely, this is to no avail, and i remain on the outside. next, instead of just leaving the little circle in search for better options, i try to fit into the conversation by laughing along with everyone and then trying to begin a sentence or ask a question. of course, more often than not, someone else starts speaking at the same time, but a little more prominently than me, so then i get overshadowed and boxed out, once again. so what happens next? do i claim defeat and retreat to safer regions? of course not, because this queen never rests. i do what any awkward child would, try again. i hold my ground just on the edge of the circle and ignore the shifty looks everyone keeps giving me. at the next joke, i am sure to laugh harder and louder than anyone else. i also try to stutter my way into the conversation with some thing that sounds like "oooohhh.... sooo.... do. you. uh. like. chocolate?" keep in mind, my voice is still trailing off at chocolate, and everyone in the circle is now successfully staring at me blankly, wonder who the little asian chick is, and what is she doing here? and why in the world is she talking about chocolate? it is at this moment that i know i have wonderfully overwelcomed my stay and then politely excuse myself. i find another circle, and repeat.

1. the cousin awkward avoidance
it is a little known fact that one of my cousins is currently a freshman at cornell. this is probably because i never really spent a great deal of time with him, and we don't exactly see eye-to-eye on things. so needless to say, i never expected to see him on campus. until that frightful friday we decided to eat at north campus. we went during prime dinner time, so of course most tables are fun. we're able to find a little tall table surrounded by bar stools, so we quickly claim that table. who should i see about 10 feet away, but my little cousin. with his friend. and his girlfriend. oh wonderful. a hundred awkward options flash before my eyes, but next thing i know, i'm off looking for edible food. i assemble a tray of possible digestive options, and return to the table. during dinner, i continue staring at my cousin, closely watching his interaction with the g.f. now is when my mind starts racing. all the options i have. first, i can go over, say hi, then walk away. but where would i walk to? my table, a whopping 10 feet away? then i'll still be in direct view of him, and feel obligated to speak more than 3 words (hey what's up). next, i can go, and have a discussion. fantastic idea, let's interrupt his conversation, make some pointless small talk, then walk away. but then this leads to another option, the girlfriend. would he introduce me to her? should i say that i've heard so much about her? how receptive of me will she be? and what if he doesn't introduce her? am i supposed to introduce myself? is he embarassed of me? so then what do i say to him and her? should i tell them i'm not going to go and tell my parents what happened? is he worried that i'm spying on him? is he embarassed of her? so many questions are running through my mind. i see so many options for utter and complete awkwardness, my mind short-circuits and i'm left silent. so, i take the easiest road out. don't say hi, don't worry about the girlfriend, and all is avoided.

so there you have it folks. my top 3 moments of awkwardness. take them. study them. repeat them. awkwardness. learn it. love it. live it.