lost.

after graduating high school, i looked forward to college for many reasons. besides the obvious, i also anticipated being able to recreate myself into who i really wanted to be. needless to say, that attempt failed miserably. after beginning freshman year, i easily fell into a cycle and lifestyle different from what i originally imagined and planned. as i progressed through freshman and sophomore year, i constantly battled with the idea of who i was and who i wanted to be. i confused myself trying to figure out the difference between what i want to be, what i actually am, and what i was. the past 20 years of my life have all blended together, so i can no longer tell distinct turning points in my life.

anyways, now that i've been searching deep into my soul, i am left with no questions answered, only more formed. questions like who am i? and how much of who i am is a product of my environment versus a result of me by nature. it comes down to that issue of nature vs. nurture. how much of who i am now is from the way i was raised, and the surrounding environments, as opposed to our DNA, personality, and characteristics that have been a part of my soul since the day i was born? well, we can be sure that i'm not purely a product of my environment; compare me and my brother. we are as different as apples and oranges. however, it would be naive of me to say that my environment didn't affect me at all.

anyways, i don't really know where i'm going with all of this. i think i have serious problems. like mental ones. my search to find my true self has led me nowhere but circle around myself, leading to further confusion. i have a tendency to overanalyze. i've also grown more and more random. and morbid. i find myself thinking about people dying more than i used to. maybe nothing is wrong with me. maybe this is just who i am. slightly psycho. but also slightly entertaining.

okay, so this posting started out with meaning, and i swear i had good intentions for it, but just like my life, it's gotten a little mixed up and confused, so now it's just a jumbled mess. for which, i apologize. my brain is kind of not working properly due to a few reasons. firstly, i am operating on about 4 hours of separated sleep, meaning i didn't receive all four hours in a row. secondly, i keep getting distracted, which messes up my focus and ability to form one cohesive posting. things like CNN, Happy Tree Friends, and dictionary.com have prevented me from devoting my full energy to this posting. and lastly, my brain is going on strike. i decided to possibly apply to the cornell daily sun's opinion section in hopes of having the opportunity to write a bi-monthly column. in order to apply, i have to submit two articles between 800-900 words. needless to say, i have been devoting all my spare brain cells (which there are not a lot of to begin with) to these two articles. hopefully it'll pay off. in which case, i'll need to start making my life a little more exciting so i have more to write about. please people, help make my life exciting. otherwise you'll see another posting soon about the differences between affect and effect and nave and knave. don't say i didn't warn you.

347

"If we want to change ourselves in some important way, it's best not to wait for insight or inspiration. Sometimes we need to act- to begin writing that paper, to make those phone calls, to see that person- even if we don't feel like acting. To strengthen our convictions, it helps to enact them. In this way, faith and love are alike: If we keep them to ourselves, they shrivel. If we enact and express them, they grow."

"It is not as difficult to find a person who has never succumbed to a given temptation as to find a person who has succumbed only once"

"Many socializers have occupations such as public relations specialists, talk show hosts, trial attorneys, social directors on cruise ships, hotel personnel, and other glamorous, high-profile careers."

"How can we know the unknowable, fathom the unfathomable, or calculate the incalculable?"

"Ignoring luck, overlooking happenstance, and pretending fortune doesn't matter is not in our own best interest. It's time to abandon our aspirations to omniscience and accept that accident is unavoidable. It's time to sing the praises of serendipity and light a candle for luck"

14

growing up in a Christian family and going to church every friday and sunday, i heard about how important tithing is, and how you can't worship both God and money. of course, at the tender age of 12, money to me was the 25cents i got each week for helping with the dishes. as i grew, so did my money. so now, my parents only pay for the basics: food, shelter, and education. of course, i'm not complaining, because my parents have raised me to be financially responsible and i've always had enough spending money to support my purse and random junk addiction. so now that i'm in college and making my own decisions, i am also making more decisions about how to spend my money, and my time (because after all, time is money). and it wasn't until today that i realized just how easy it is to worship money, but how impossible it is to worship money and God.

as we all know, today was Easter sunday. arguably one of the most important days in the Christian faith. i know people who only go to church twice a year- Christmas and Easter. however, we also all know, Easter Brunch is one of the most traditional meals of the year. next to Thanksgiving dinner of course. so naturally, working at a restaurant, Easter Brunch is a pretty big deal to us. and, being the money-hungry little girl i am, i willingly volunteered to work Easter morning. oh, i also work sunday nights, so yes, i worked what we call a double-shift. aka 14 hours straight. and oh what a splendid 14 hours they were. my day went from cute little girls in fluffy dresses to old men in bathrobes watching espn. for the past week, when i first found out i would be working Easter morning, i had this little nagging in the back of my mind. the nagging then became audible through the voice of my dearest roommate. i knew i was chosing money over God, because as much as i love taverna banfi, the only reason i volunteered to work was for the money. so i took what is the most important Christian holiday, and turned it into an opportunity for profit for me. how selfish and worldly of me. and i knew God didn't approve. obviously. and, you can call me crazy or whatever, but i know me getting sick was God trying to get me to change my ways, and not go to work. but i did anyways. so then i got a bloody nose (gross, right?) and i saw this as sign two. of course, the bloodynose came at around hour 11, so it was too late by then. but as i sat in the bathroom, staring at the bloody monstrosity in the mirror, i promised God i would try to change.

the first 20 years of my life, i was fine without "making bank" and pulling doubles. i don't need hundreds of dollars in tips to be happy. why am i working so hard, for something that is worth so little? of course, i will admit, it's nice to be financially secure (relatively speaking), and be able to buy pretty, expensive toys (like purses and jewelry), but how important are those things really? in the bigger picture, isn't there more to life? and what am i doing with mine? okay, that's enough of the rhetorical questions. lesson of the day: money isn't everything. it can't buy happiness. find what's important to you, and don't let it go for all the world.


on another note, this week is going to be a big week. not only because i have 2 prelims, for which i am totally unprepared, but by the end of this week, i'll know where i'm going to be this summer, which has big implications for my future. gosh, i'm moving along in the world. scary to think, eh?

awkward.

awkward is as awkward does. i have recently decided that i am the queen of awkward. seriously. i have this gift. it's like a sixth sense or something; i can turn any ordinary moment into a totally awkward one. i know you're all really jealous, you're just sitting there, thinking how badly you wish you could turn any situation into a nail-biting, hair-twirling fantastic event of awkwardness. well unfortunately, i can't reveal my secrets, because, well, i honestly don't know them either. it's not anything i've learned over the years, it's more like a subconscious skill that i've honed, developed, and improved over the years. however, fear not, my loyal little readers, because although i cannot provide you with the recipe for awkwardness, i can provide some dishes of awkward and let you do the disecting. and so, without further ado, i present, my top 3 moments of awesome-awkwardness.

3. the stairwell.
i actually cannot even count the number of times i have had awkward encounters in the stairwells. at statler, it's an unspoken rule that unless one is traveling more than 3 flights, it is socially unresponsible to take the elevator. therefore, i often find myself climbing the stairs multiple times a day. so, there i was, going down the stairs, discussing the usefulness of rhetorical devices, when i see *her* coming up the stairs. she's that girl that i used to be friends with, but we haven't talked in ages. of course, i still know what's going on with her, because i stalk her through facebook. so, i give an slight smile, and she kind of smiles back and stops walking, so then i feel obligated to say something, so then i stop and turn to her, and say hi, and she responds cheerfully. so now we're face-to-face, both stopped, standing and blocking the stairwell, and both try to start talking. since i know everything about her, thanks to my awesome stalking skills, i find it pointless to waste both her time and mine by asking her questions. so, i let her speak first. she goes through your typical, how was your summer, how was abroad, questioning, and before it's my turn to ask the questions, i feign some excuse about needing to go, laugh a nervous laugh, then insist on meeting for lunch or dinner sometime. i then proceed to run down the stairs and avoid her like the plague.

you see, to normal people, this isn't that wierd, or that awkward. but to me, oh i made it so awkward you would shiver. because during the exchange of our first words, i more or less mumbled, stuttered, and shifted my feet oh so slightly, but oh so awkwardly. i tend to trail off at the end of my sentences, ask rhetorical questions to myself, then talk a little to myself, all while she's between hello and how've you been.

2. outside the inner circle
at any party or large social gathering, there is a tendency for people to form little circles of conversation. being the queen of awkward that i am, i obviously couldn't just find a circle and stick to it, instead i wander. and i go to various circles, hover around the outside and attempt to make eye-contact with some members of the inner discussion group. most likely, this is to no avail, and i remain on the outside. next, instead of just leaving the little circle in search for better options, i try to fit into the conversation by laughing along with everyone and then trying to begin a sentence or ask a question. of course, more often than not, someone else starts speaking at the same time, but a little more prominently than me, so then i get overshadowed and boxed out, once again. so what happens next? do i claim defeat and retreat to safer regions? of course not, because this queen never rests. i do what any awkward child would, try again. i hold my ground just on the edge of the circle and ignore the shifty looks everyone keeps giving me. at the next joke, i am sure to laugh harder and louder than anyone else. i also try to stutter my way into the conversation with some thing that sounds like "oooohhh.... sooo.... do. you. uh. like. chocolate?" keep in mind, my voice is still trailing off at chocolate, and everyone in the circle is now successfully staring at me blankly, wonder who the little asian chick is, and what is she doing here? and why in the world is she talking about chocolate? it is at this moment that i know i have wonderfully overwelcomed my stay and then politely excuse myself. i find another circle, and repeat.

1. the cousin awkward avoidance
it is a little known fact that one of my cousins is currently a freshman at cornell. this is probably because i never really spent a great deal of time with him, and we don't exactly see eye-to-eye on things. so needless to say, i never expected to see him on campus. until that frightful friday we decided to eat at north campus. we went during prime dinner time, so of course most tables are fun. we're able to find a little tall table surrounded by bar stools, so we quickly claim that table. who should i see about 10 feet away, but my little cousin. with his friend. and his girlfriend. oh wonderful. a hundred awkward options flash before my eyes, but next thing i know, i'm off looking for edible food. i assemble a tray of possible digestive options, and return to the table. during dinner, i continue staring at my cousin, closely watching his interaction with the g.f. now is when my mind starts racing. all the options i have. first, i can go over, say hi, then walk away. but where would i walk to? my table, a whopping 10 feet away? then i'll still be in direct view of him, and feel obligated to speak more than 3 words (hey what's up). next, i can go, and have a discussion. fantastic idea, let's interrupt his conversation, make some pointless small talk, then walk away. but then this leads to another option, the girlfriend. would he introduce me to her? should i say that i've heard so much about her? how receptive of me will she be? and what if he doesn't introduce her? am i supposed to introduce myself? is he embarassed of me? so then what do i say to him and her? should i tell them i'm not going to go and tell my parents what happened? is he worried that i'm spying on him? is he embarassed of her? so many questions are running through my mind. i see so many options for utter and complete awkwardness, my mind short-circuits and i'm left silent. so, i take the easiest road out. don't say hi, don't worry about the girlfriend, and all is avoided.

so there you have it folks. my top 3 moments of awkwardness. take them. study them. repeat them. awkwardness. learn it. love it. live it.