They say you live, love and learn. But what happens when through all the living, you have learned to not love? What then do you do? Do you stop loving? Stop learning? Stop living? They also say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. When it comes to love, what doesn't kill you, doesn't make you stronger, it makes that wall around your heart stronger. And thicker. And tougher.
All my life I have been an avid promoter of living, learning, and risking, because I believed that what didn't kill me, would make me stronger. I also believed that experience is the best teacher; there's no better way to learn than by doing. Of course, these thoughts are applicable to ideas of internships and education, but in the realm of love, my tactics have failed me.
While I still stand my ground and state that experience is the best teacher and the only way to learn how to stand is to fall, I must issue a bold warning with those beliefs. Because every time you fall along the path of learning, you develop a bruise. Although these lessons are painful, they are a necessary part of life. You can't understand the joy of acceptance unless you've felt the pain of rejection. You don't appreciate completion unless you've been incomplete. And you can't experience wholeness, if you've never been broken. Likewise, what is the significance of love, if you've never been unloved?
If every fall created a scar, how many times would we be able to fall, before we are battled and bruised beyond recognition? And how many times can we fall before we learn to stop trying? How many times can my heart be broken, and how many pieces can I give away, before there is nothing left? If every experience produced a lesson, and every lesson a scar, then it wouldn't be long before we are beaten, black and blue. And then what? Then we wait. We wait for the bruises to fade and the scars to fade. And when the evidences of our past begin to disappear, we start all over. We try new experiences, learn new lessons and create new scars. We begin the vicious cycle over and over again, because they have not yet killed us; they've only made us stronger.
So in the end, you'll learn to not only stand, but also walk, run and jump, but beware, this is not without falling, tripping and tumbling first. You'll be battled and beaten, covered by bruises and scars, but because of them, you can say you've truly lived. And so it goes. And remember, scar tissue is tougher than skin. And thicker. And stronger.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Friday, August 3, 2007
don't try this at home... unless you have to.
This past summer, I had the joy of working in the City (that is, New York City, for you West Coast, Maryland and Philly kids). I also had the equal pleasure of living in an apartment optimally located in midtown. However, a few nights a week, I relinquished the apartment to my cousins, the rightful owners, and spent the night elsewhere. Typically, I spent one night at a friend’s and the other at home. These weekly journeys to the Garden State gave me my first (and hopefully last) look into the life of a commuter. Trust me when I say, it’s not glamorous and it’s not for the faint of heart.
First, the obvious- time. For me (and many others), the commute home is about a one-hour train ride, which doesn’t include transportation to the train station on both sides. This brought my total commute time to about an hour and forty-five minutes each way, or three and a half hours each trip (daily if I were a full-time commuter). Granted, it does create an excellent block of time to spend reading, writing or catching up with friends (should you be so lucky to have a commuting buddy), but wouldn’t it be better to read, write or catch up out in a sunny park or warm coffee shop? However, even I must admit, I typically don’t read unless forced, and well, sitting for an hour in the morning was adequate force; I’ve read more books in the past 2 months than I have in the past 2 years. But how much is this reading time worth? Even with a paltry hourly wage of $10, that’s still $35 worth of time spent sitting on vinyl. And it’s true what they say- time is money.
Which brings me to the next point- money. Public transportation costs, parking fees and the increasing prices of gas contribute to the cost of commuting (besides the “cost” of time spent traveling). Even with monthly passes and unlimited ride cards, the costs still add up. Sure, it’s still less than the average rent for a downtown studio, but over time, it accumulates. Doing some basic math calculations, I summed the costs of a monthly parking permit, monthly train pass, unlimited monthly subway card, and the approximate additional cost of gas and came to a total of about $380 a month spent on transportation. And that’s based on commuting to and from Convent Station, which is a town over from me; to commute to Morristown, the cost would be about $50 a month more, but you’d save about 10 minutes a day in time spent traveling. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather spend that money elsewhere (for example, a new pair of shoes and/or purse).
The next major commuting issue- additional stress. For all those who have been misfortunate enough to be stuck in or around Penn Station, Grand Central, or one of the numerous subway stations during rush hour while not commuting, you probably know how Simba felt while hanging onto the tree in the middle of the wildebeest stampede. Every time I find myself in the morning or evening rush hour (and especially when boarding the train home through those little doors in Penn Station), I understand how cows and sheep must feel when being herded. Go with the flow, keep up with traffic, and don’t you dare slow down, lest the angry banker behind you trample your poor fearful soul. The anxiety I feel when staring at the television, waiting for my track number to be posted is unnecessary, yet present. Likewise, my desire to walk as fast as possible through the throng of people rushing to work increases my adrenaline and heart to an incalculable rate. A daily commute would not only add to my ever-present grey hairs, but also increase my chance of a heart attack or stroke significantly; it is with my heart and health in mind when I insist that I was not made for commuting.
For me, those are the three most significant deal breakers. As much as I enjoy the forced reading time and scenic journey through Jersey, I could not imagine becoming a regular commuter. As a matter of fact, I can picture myself living and working in a small, rural town more than I see myself commuting into a city. Of course, if I did live in the City, I wouldn’t be opposed to the occasional trip home for a good ole home cooked meal or a ride up to Hamptons for a weekend (because, you know, a girl’s got to dream). But should you value your time, money, health and vibrantly-colored hair, don’t commute.
First, the obvious- time. For me (and many others), the commute home is about a one-hour train ride, which doesn’t include transportation to the train station on both sides. This brought my total commute time to about an hour and forty-five minutes each way, or three and a half hours each trip (daily if I were a full-time commuter). Granted, it does create an excellent block of time to spend reading, writing or catching up with friends (should you be so lucky to have a commuting buddy), but wouldn’t it be better to read, write or catch up out in a sunny park or warm coffee shop? However, even I must admit, I typically don’t read unless forced, and well, sitting for an hour in the morning was adequate force; I’ve read more books in the past 2 months than I have in the past 2 years. But how much is this reading time worth? Even with a paltry hourly wage of $10, that’s still $35 worth of time spent sitting on vinyl. And it’s true what they say- time is money.
Which brings me to the next point- money. Public transportation costs, parking fees and the increasing prices of gas contribute to the cost of commuting (besides the “cost” of time spent traveling). Even with monthly passes and unlimited ride cards, the costs still add up. Sure, it’s still less than the average rent for a downtown studio, but over time, it accumulates. Doing some basic math calculations, I summed the costs of a monthly parking permit, monthly train pass, unlimited monthly subway card, and the approximate additional cost of gas and came to a total of about $380 a month spent on transportation. And that’s based on commuting to and from Convent Station, which is a town over from me; to commute to Morristown, the cost would be about $50 a month more, but you’d save about 10 minutes a day in time spent traveling. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather spend that money elsewhere (for example, a new pair of shoes and/or purse).
The next major commuting issue- additional stress. For all those who have been misfortunate enough to be stuck in or around Penn Station, Grand Central, or one of the numerous subway stations during rush hour while not commuting, you probably know how Simba felt while hanging onto the tree in the middle of the wildebeest stampede. Every time I find myself in the morning or evening rush hour (and especially when boarding the train home through those little doors in Penn Station), I understand how cows and sheep must feel when being herded. Go with the flow, keep up with traffic, and don’t you dare slow down, lest the angry banker behind you trample your poor fearful soul. The anxiety I feel when staring at the television, waiting for my track number to be posted is unnecessary, yet present. Likewise, my desire to walk as fast as possible through the throng of people rushing to work increases my adrenaline and heart to an incalculable rate. A daily commute would not only add to my ever-present grey hairs, but also increase my chance of a heart attack or stroke significantly; it is with my heart and health in mind when I insist that I was not made for commuting.
For me, those are the three most significant deal breakers. As much as I enjoy the forced reading time and scenic journey through Jersey, I could not imagine becoming a regular commuter. As a matter of fact, I can picture myself living and working in a small, rural town more than I see myself commuting into a city. Of course, if I did live in the City, I wouldn’t be opposed to the occasional trip home for a good ole home cooked meal or a ride up to Hamptons for a weekend (because, you know, a girl’s got to dream). But should you value your time, money, health and vibrantly-colored hair, don’t commute.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
a time for love
How long does it take to fall in love? Can you put a time limit on it? Probably not; after all, once you put an expiration date on love, arguably the greatest human emotion, then what protects all other feelings and thoughts from the same boundaries and limits? And once we put our emotions in a box, what will make us human? So then, how long must one wait before giving up hope and moving on? How many times must my heart break and how many tears must I cry before throwing in the towel and moving on? If not now, then when?
Whenever people ask if I have a crush on a boy, I always have a very difficult time answering the question. My response is always No, but in truth, I'm never confident of that answer. What is a crush, after all? It's someone you like, but what defines "liking" a person? Is it just a person whose presence I thoroughly enjoy? Because then in that case, I have a lot of crushes. Or, is it someone I'm attracted to? Because in that case, I have a crush on the guy who's sitting two tables away from me right now. Of if it's someone who I would like to spend more time with, and get to know better, then once again, that leaves a number of people on my list. Because, you see, there are a myriad of boys/men/guys whose presence I enjoy and want to get to know better. But it's most likely because I'm facinated with the way people act and think and I'm slightly an extrovert and like being around other people (most of the time at least).
So if there's no no time limit on love and no clear definition of like, then how am I supposed to plan life? It's impossible to schedule things like meeting people and falling in love, but sometimes it'd be nice to have some sort of general guideline for the journey. I'm not the type of person who blindly drives, hoping for a gas station in the next 30 miles or cluelessly mixes ingredients with a clue. But I am the type of person who looks around and tries to figure things out. And I'm trying, but it's not easy. Everytime I think I'm closer to finding the truth, closer to understanding why, I find myself with just more questions and few answers. Without putting love in a box, it's impossible to contain and examine it. You can't understand the finer threads of its being, or the reason for existing without examining it under a microscope. And if you can't contain it, then you can't examine it.
So on the subject of like and love, I'm completely lost. And it's slightly ironic because with all my experiences, one would think I have a little more direction. But in truth, all my stories and times with the male species have left me only more lost and confused than before. I cannot (and probably never will) understand the way they think, act and function. And you know, maybe that's for the better. Because in the end, everyone needs a few secrets.
Whenever people ask if I have a crush on a boy, I always have a very difficult time answering the question. My response is always No, but in truth, I'm never confident of that answer. What is a crush, after all? It's someone you like, but what defines "liking" a person? Is it just a person whose presence I thoroughly enjoy? Because then in that case, I have a lot of crushes. Or, is it someone I'm attracted to? Because in that case, I have a crush on the guy who's sitting two tables away from me right now. Of if it's someone who I would like to spend more time with, and get to know better, then once again, that leaves a number of people on my list. Because, you see, there are a myriad of boys/men/guys whose presence I enjoy and want to get to know better. But it's most likely because I'm facinated with the way people act and think and I'm slightly an extrovert and like being around other people (most of the time at least).
So if there's no no time limit on love and no clear definition of like, then how am I supposed to plan life? It's impossible to schedule things like meeting people and falling in love, but sometimes it'd be nice to have some sort of general guideline for the journey. I'm not the type of person who blindly drives, hoping for a gas station in the next 30 miles or cluelessly mixes ingredients with a clue. But I am the type of person who looks around and tries to figure things out. And I'm trying, but it's not easy. Everytime I think I'm closer to finding the truth, closer to understanding why, I find myself with just more questions and few answers. Without putting love in a box, it's impossible to contain and examine it. You can't understand the finer threads of its being, or the reason for existing without examining it under a microscope. And if you can't contain it, then you can't examine it.
So on the subject of like and love, I'm completely lost. And it's slightly ironic because with all my experiences, one would think I have a little more direction. But in truth, all my stories and times with the male species have left me only more lost and confused than before. I cannot (and probably never will) understand the way they think, act and function. And you know, maybe that's for the better. Because in the end, everyone needs a few secrets.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
guess who's back
It's been exactly one month since I last posted. That is just way too long. A lot has happened since then, and since I cannot recap everything that has happened... I won't even begin to try. You can check out my Xanga, which is more frequently updated. I did feel like I owed this blog an update, especially with all the craziness that has gone on today. I can no longer procrastinate presenting my views on the subject.
I still like Britney, Paris, and Lindsay.
That's right, I'll say it, and I'll defend it. Do I agree with their actions? No. Do I think they made mistakes and acted stupidly? Yes. But will I continue to sympathize and follow their stories? Absolutely. And let me explain why.
Because, in the end, they are just people, trying to live their lives. And I'm sure I've discussed this before, but these girls, and many others, are simply growing up, and going through phases like you and me. The only difference- they have millions to spend and every mistake they make gets not only splashed across gossip and magazine pages, but also headlined in sources like CNN and The New York Times. Now THAT'S publicity. I completely understand where these girls (women?) are coming from, and yes, I feel for them. It can't be easy having to go through every struggle and problem in the public eye. I can think of a million mistakes I've made and I'm glad that they're not put out there for everyone to know and pry about.
But that's the price they must pay. I'm sure it's nice to be able to buy a new Chanel purse every month and go to the hottest clubs and party until 4am, but all of this comes with a responsibility. After becoming famous, whether by individual accomplishments or family ties, one must realize that you will be viewed by the public, and you have a responsibility to properly represent yourself and your family. I understand they are growing up, and just want to have fun like "normal" people, but I don't make excuses for their actions.
Do I think Kevin deserves full custody of the kids? Maybe. I honestly don't think either of them can single-handedly take care of the two boys and I do feel bad for them, because no matter what, they're going to have one diffcult puberty. I think Britney does need to get herself together and start taking her responsibilities as a mother seriously.
Do I believe Paris has truly changed for the good? Possibly. I think she's earnestly trying. And although I'll never really know the truth about what happened in the jail, I can only hope that she learned her lesson and has matured. Whether she's truly reformed for just a really good actress for the positive publicity, I can only hope that something good comes out of it. And by something good, I mean for the greater community, not her image.
Do I think Lindsay is a wreck and needs to get her act together? Totally. I think she's dealing with desires and issues that are common for people our age (she's a few months younger than me), but I think she needs to find a healthier way to figure out her life, and she really does need more help than she's getting. I almost feel bad for her, because, and I don't know the full story obviously, but it is clear that she is not in a healthy environment that is conducive to her reformation. If she really, truly wants to change, I earnestly think she needs to get away from California and go to Kansas or someplace remote, away from everyone, take a year or so off and really figure out what she wants and what she's doing. Less drastically, she needs to surround herself with positive people and look deep within her soul. It may sound cliche, but it's totally true- I live and believe it. And you know, maybe after all her soul searching, she'll realize that she wants to continue down this destructive path. As long as she comes to that conclusion on her own, without the pressure of society and those around her, and as long as she can accept the consequences of a troubled future, jailtime, and harm to herself, then I say as long as she's not on the same road as me, then good luck to her.
In the end, this is what I say. Give them some time. Give them support. If they want help, offer it. In the end, they have to make their own decisions; it's their life, and they can choose how to live it. Christina went through her phase, and she's honestly matured and grown. Courtney Love went through a dark period, but look at her now. She's slowly coming back. It takes time and it's not easy. But they've got to try.
I still like Britney, Paris, and Lindsay.
That's right, I'll say it, and I'll defend it. Do I agree with their actions? No. Do I think they made mistakes and acted stupidly? Yes. But will I continue to sympathize and follow their stories? Absolutely. And let me explain why.
Because, in the end, they are just people, trying to live their lives. And I'm sure I've discussed this before, but these girls, and many others, are simply growing up, and going through phases like you and me. The only difference- they have millions to spend and every mistake they make gets not only splashed across gossip and magazine pages, but also headlined in sources like CNN and The New York Times. Now THAT'S publicity. I completely understand where these girls (women?) are coming from, and yes, I feel for them. It can't be easy having to go through every struggle and problem in the public eye. I can think of a million mistakes I've made and I'm glad that they're not put out there for everyone to know and pry about.
But that's the price they must pay. I'm sure it's nice to be able to buy a new Chanel purse every month and go to the hottest clubs and party until 4am, but all of this comes with a responsibility. After becoming famous, whether by individual accomplishments or family ties, one must realize that you will be viewed by the public, and you have a responsibility to properly represent yourself and your family. I understand they are growing up, and just want to have fun like "normal" people, but I don't make excuses for their actions.
Do I think Kevin deserves full custody of the kids? Maybe. I honestly don't think either of them can single-handedly take care of the two boys and I do feel bad for them, because no matter what, they're going to have one diffcult puberty. I think Britney does need to get herself together and start taking her responsibilities as a mother seriously.
Do I believe Paris has truly changed for the good? Possibly. I think she's earnestly trying. And although I'll never really know the truth about what happened in the jail, I can only hope that she learned her lesson and has matured. Whether she's truly reformed for just a really good actress for the positive publicity, I can only hope that something good comes out of it. And by something good, I mean for the greater community, not her image.
Do I think Lindsay is a wreck and needs to get her act together? Totally. I think she's dealing with desires and issues that are common for people our age (she's a few months younger than me), but I think she needs to find a healthier way to figure out her life, and she really does need more help than she's getting. I almost feel bad for her, because, and I don't know the full story obviously, but it is clear that she is not in a healthy environment that is conducive to her reformation. If she really, truly wants to change, I earnestly think she needs to get away from California and go to Kansas or someplace remote, away from everyone, take a year or so off and really figure out what she wants and what she's doing. Less drastically, she needs to surround herself with positive people and look deep within her soul. It may sound cliche, but it's totally true- I live and believe it. And you know, maybe after all her soul searching, she'll realize that she wants to continue down this destructive path. As long as she comes to that conclusion on her own, without the pressure of society and those around her, and as long as she can accept the consequences of a troubled future, jailtime, and harm to herself, then I say as long as she's not on the same road as me, then good luck to her.
In the end, this is what I say. Give them some time. Give them support. If they want help, offer it. In the end, they have to make their own decisions; it's their life, and they can choose how to live it. Christina went through her phase, and she's honestly matured and grown. Courtney Love went through a dark period, but look at her now. She's slowly coming back. It takes time and it's not easy. But they've got to try.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Part Two: It Must Be Good
On my way into the office today, walking East on 60th, I noticed an unusually long line of people lining the sidewalk. I tried to play the whole “I’m too cool” thing, and quickly walked past the line (or followed alongside) until I saw the end, outside the Anya Hindmarch store, located next to the entrance of 655. Still perplexed, all my questions were answered in the elevator; the line was indeed for the store, because the famous “I’m not a plastic bag” bags were being sold today, and only 1,000 bags will be available in New York (between two stores, the other in SoHo, I assume). Apparently, this bag was all the craze in Europe when it first came out, and has been seen on the arms of the rich and famous like Keira Knightley and Reese Witherspoon. The bags follow the trend of eco-friendly green things; they are meant to substitute plastic bags in grocery stores and the like. Of course, there is much controversy over these bags, as they are not made from organic material, and then there’s always the question of how closely should fashion trends and an environmental cause be linked?
Either way, it’s a fashion frenzy downstairs, with the line now snaking around the corner. And I’m not going to lie, after hearing about the popularity of it, and seeing the line and everyone waiting for literally hours for the $15 bag (extremely affordable, especially compared to the rest of her collection), I really want one. It’s part of that ‘if the line is long…’ sort of thing. My co-worker and I snuck downstairs an hour after the store opened to see the status of the line. I seriously contemplated trying to bribe someone to purchase a bag for me (there’s a limit of two per person), but I didn’t want to appear so desperate to fit in. I can only assume the line will proceed to get longer, but I also presume not everyone waiting in line will be able to purchase one. With a limit of two bags, and only 500 available, that’s about 250 people who will be walking away happy, and I’m certain the line was more than 250 long. The irony of it all- I’m not even that into the environment and being eco-friendly. I will most likely continue using plastic bags wherever I go; I just want the bag because well, everyone wants it. Perhaps I’ll just have to buy one on ebay, where they are supposedly going for $600. Or, I can wait until they’re not as cool and buy one from Whole Foods (starting July 18th). I hope the line is still long then.
Either way, it’s a fashion frenzy downstairs, with the line now snaking around the corner. And I’m not going to lie, after hearing about the popularity of it, and seeing the line and everyone waiting for literally hours for the $15 bag (extremely affordable, especially compared to the rest of her collection), I really want one. It’s part of that ‘if the line is long…’ sort of thing. My co-worker and I snuck downstairs an hour after the store opened to see the status of the line. I seriously contemplated trying to bribe someone to purchase a bag for me (there’s a limit of two per person), but I didn’t want to appear so desperate to fit in. I can only assume the line will proceed to get longer, but I also presume not everyone waiting in line will be able to purchase one. With a limit of two bags, and only 500 available, that’s about 250 people who will be walking away happy, and I’m certain the line was more than 250 long. The irony of it all- I’m not even that into the environment and being eco-friendly. I will most likely continue using plastic bags wherever I go; I just want the bag because well, everyone wants it. Perhaps I’ll just have to buy one on ebay, where they are supposedly going for $600. Or, I can wait until they’re not as cool and buy one from Whole Foods (starting July 18th). I hope the line is still long then.
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